Sometimes You Have To Save Yourself

That October night you left replays in my mind constantly. Your words were colder than the fall air that fell upon my face as I tried to make sense of it all. I drove to your house, in hopes of changing your mind. I begged and pleaded for one more chance, hoping you would see that we could work things out like we had done so many times before.

But you didn’t.

The weeks after this consisted of sleepless nights, constant reminders of a life we once shared, and missing you like hell. You had become my best friend, and knew things about me that I had kept locked away for years. We shared many sultry summer nights together, and our love ran hotter than a mid-August day.

But summer had turned to Fall.

I wanted to be friends. I wanted to check in and see how life was treating you. I tricked myself into thinking that having you in my life would only help me. But it would’ve just driven me mad. Constantly thinking about what could’ve been. So instead of torturing myself with memories made in the middle of May, I decided to give myself the peace that my soul so desperately craved. Sometimes, you have to save yourself.

So that’s what I did.

I learned to enjoy the time I spent alone. I learned to turn my music up a little louder when I sing along. I learned to go get that Chinese takeout I so desperately craved, even though it wasn’t in my diet. I learned that everything in life happens for a reason, even if we don’t understand it at the time.

I learned that happiness isn’t a destination, it’s a state of mind.

I still have days where I miss you. I still have days where I wonder how your dogs are doing. Some days, I’m tempted to pick up the phone and check in. But here’s the thing about breakups, and it’s been said many times before – you can’t expect the person who tore your life apart to put it back together.

And that’s what you taught me.

Even though we didn’t work out, I still have love for you. I hope that life treats you well. I hope that you always get the corner piece of cake, since that’s your favorite. I hope that when you sit beneath the stars, you are gently reminded of the endless possibilities that your life holds. I hope that one day you can look back and smile on our memories of the summer that seemed to never end.

But it did.