Doritos Loaded Is What Happens When You Mix Drunk Food, 7/11, And Magic

Tyler Hatch
Tyler Hatch

Living in the nation’s Capitol comes with certain perks: a load of museums to visit, running into famous politicians and celebrities at dinner, and for a select few, the chance to sample the latest culinary treat from our favorite overlord of chips – Doritos.

It seems that revolutionizing the menu at Taco Bell was just the first step in their quest to take over our taste buds. Doritos has now unleashed upon us the Doritos Loaded. What is this new treat and where can you get your hands on it? Unless you can find the three 7/11’s in DC that have been selected to test run this new combination of chip, molten cheese, and Doritos seasoning, you will be out of luck. Have no fear – I hunted down this new treat as a public service to you.

To be honest, though, when I first read the breaking news post on Twitter, I was both disgusted and excited. After frantically scouring the web, I was able to uncover one of the secret locations with skills and prowess that challenge Nicolas Cage‘s “National Treasure” days.

The walk to the 7/11 was one that filled me both with shame and childlike glee. As the rest of the city was preparing to hunker down for the next smowmaggedon, I was on a quest to try a food whose nutritional information is not publicly available (hint: it’s worth ALL of the weight watchers points ever).

I had arrived. I asked the cashier if I could have one Doritos Loaded and she quickly obliged. When my friend and I stated we only wanted on box (yes, they are so fancy as to require a box) she seemed disappointed. Upon payment of this new alien product, we poked, prodded, sniffed, and eventually tasted this creation.

Tyler Hatch
Tyler Hatch

Initial thoughts:

  1. It tastes like mozzarella sticks without the mozzarella.
  2. If a chip could be soggy and one inch thick, I think it would taste like this.
  3. I wish I had cheese sauce to dip it in
  4. Will any boys ever date me knowing that I had willingly chosen to eat this?

After much discussion, we agreed that we were in need of a dipping sauce. Thanks to the nacho cheese machine, we had just that. Although I did not indulge in such a feat of ingenious flavor, I was told that it made the experience much better. I believe the exact words were “the tannins in the cheese really balance out the dusting of Dorito flavoring.”

Tyler Hatch
Tyler Hatch

When asked by the clerks our thoughts on the product, we told them that although we were more impressed by the novelty of the product more so than the taste itself we wouldn’t object to eating it at 3am after having a few too many drinks. We requested more Dorito flavoring – our lukewarm triangles of mush tasted as if Doritos branding were an afterthought, which disappointed us greatly. We were told that this complaint was commonly shared and would be delivered to the highest authorities in the company.

Should you hunt down these little nuggets of carbs? Yes. Should you expect great flavor and taste? No – at least not yet. Should you still go and brag to the world and your friends who don’t live in the Beltway? Hell, yes.

At the very least, you’ll have something new to try the next time you get drunk. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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