Thought Catalog

9 Ways To Drive Him Wild!*

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*If you’re not heterosexual, please read another magazine.

1. GET NAKED FIRST

There’s a good chance that your guy has never feasted his eyes on your completely bare bod for more than a few seconds so giving him a peak at your natural curves is a surefire libido trigger.

2. BREAK OUT THE BLINDFOLD

There’s also a good chance your man has never feasted his eyes on the terrifying and complete darkness that is blindness. Treat your own personal Stevie Wonder to new sensual wonders.

3. BOSS HIM AROUND

Tell him what you want without saying a word. Use your fingers to tap out Morse Code instructions for what you want next. If he’s a slow learner, don’t be afraid to use a little Milgram on him. 

4. TIE THE KNOT

If he’s being squeamish, grab a scarf, shirt, or stainless steel chain and tie him up. Guys go nuts for girls who take control and this flirty little trick will put him in just the right place for you to pleasure him. Nothing says, “I love you, honey” like a man blindfolded and locked to your bed.

5. TALK DIRTY TO HIM

Start off with a purr or ‘mmmm,’ or simply breathe heavily.  Work in some screams and shouts, in tongues if you know how to speak in tongues. Then up the erotic ante by whispering, “What is your biggest fear?”

6. MAKE HIM BEG

Work your way from north to south, stopping just short of his, um, “member.” Give him a smile and work your way back up.  Repeat until he begs for mercy or you run out of hot oils.

7. BURN YOUR NAME INTO HIS SKIN WITH A BRANDING IRON

Self sexplanatory.

8. UNLOCK A NEW NUMBER

No doubt you’ve tried the 69, but may we introduce you to the 969? While you’re 69ing, have a third man pleasure himself with his back to you. Or better yet, the 666. This bit of devil’s work is where you, your man, and the third man complete a three person naked handstand. When he’s had enough and demands that the third man leave, try the 89 – sexily coaxing him out of the fetal position.

9. BACKUP PLAN

If all else fails, try putting his penis in your vagina. Strange but true: studies show that men find direct contact with their penis to be pleasurable and the vagina is apparently their favorite snuggle spot. TC mark

image – Kathy Mackey

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    • Genesis

      You’ve gone mad. 

    • Captain Obvious

      This had potential (at least in the title)…poking more fun at the mainstream magazines women are subjected to (and buy!). 

    • Josh

      wat

      • Asdf

        Twat would be more relevant to the article.

    • http://twitter.com/i9M Michael B

      thought this was going to be written by Ryan…

    • Rah

      Hysterical

    • http://twitter.com/nuclearcabbage Nive

      Wow.

    • Anonymous

      Amazing

    • Guest

      Best thing i have ever read on here.

    • Jen

      Very funny. Keep writing things.

    • https://twitter.com/#!/VirtualKarim Karim Kazemi

      At first I thought this was real but then I was like no this can’t be real and then i was like oh my god they are completely serious and then i was like oh i get it this is like every single headline on the cover of cosmo ever.

    • Brogan

      Thank god you’re joking….. Puke.

    • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

      “Then up the erotic ante by whispering, “What is your biggest fear?”

      HAHAHAHA

    • Sara

      Hey Tyler,

      I really want to try no.8 but am a little confused. I’d hate to stuff it up and there be an awkward pause as positions shift. Could you please add accompanying naughty cartoon drawings.

      Can’t wait!
      xxx

    • http://entropicalia.wordpress.com Alison

      God you know my routine! But you missed how once you are tied up I’ll make you promise to meet my parents!

    • Anonymous

      ta.gg/5bc

    • Robert.

      i don’t buy cosmo for the sex advice i buy it because i am a woman and it is for women by women and i am feminist ok

    • Abbey

      Concept felt very Chelsea Fagan, in terms of cosmo satire 

      • Nope

        Agreed. 

    • Email

      not very funny or original -someone who puts other people down in order to feel better about himself

      • No

        I don’t see how anyone is being put down. It’s a satirical look at the ridiculous advice given in woimens’ magazines. There’s no personal attacking going on, it’s the attack of a nonsensical part of our culture.

    • Anonymous

      this was supposed to be sarcastic right? i think i get it

    • Luxe

      Legit the funniest thing I’ve ever read on here

    • Catt

      Dear Tyler,

      What’s the point of number 1 if you’re also doing number 2?

      Plz explain.

      <333

    • kaylee

      haha #7, lololol
      this is gold

    • http://twitter.com/ingenuegle Egle Makaraite

      I feel like I know everything I need to know about life.

    • Anonymous
    • alexh

      This isn’t making fun of mainstream magazines, it’s making fun of kinksters :/ And one sided since it’s all around sub guys!

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