My single wish would be to just be better. My mental health, physical health, personality, to become fearless in a way. If I were better, I could communicate correctly. Only if I were better. I thought I had a grip on things. The way my life was starting to go, I thought I had a grasp on reality. Knowing myself was one of the most important things. I’ve always fought to stay true to myself. I never needed anyone.
With no attachments, there came no fear. I can’t be destroyed by what doesn’t exist. Then there was you. You found me; I thought I would be emotionally unavailable. I thought I wouldn’t let you in, that you could never hurt me. I held my heart close to me—I always have. Letting people past these walls can be catastrophic. I didn’t know I was dying in here.
When you found me, my heart started beating again. You showed patience and understanding. You were kind to me and picked me up off the floor. You said you wouldn’t let me fall; you can’t let me get to that point again. I’ve always tried to push away people that come in, crawling under my skin was an intrusion. With you, it was so natural.
I can’t help but wonder if my fear overrides logic. Do you feel the same way? Do you know what I feel? The more I let you in, the more fear takes over my mind. Everything tells me to run, to destroy something. I don’t deserve to feel this happiness, so maybe I should run. I can make anything small into something bigger. It never needs to be, but it can make people leave.
I don’t want to let you go. You’ve become a part of me, the better part of me. You’ve made me see myself in a different way. I no longer want to shatter the mirror, I want to look in it and see what you saw. I want to look and see everything you’ve told me and believe it to be true. I can’t let myself yet. I know I’ll never be perfect.
I’ve tried different ways to let you in, but always find myself running. I never know the right thing to say. I’ll freeze, and I won’t know if I should. I lose my voice, I lose my train of thought. I know I’m not on a pedestal, but you are. I want to keep you there, look into your eyes and see everything you see. I want to understand you. I wish I could understand.
I don’t know how I’ve gone this long without knowing how to see things clearly. Nothing is rose tinted, but everything has been tainted. I wanted to protect any shred of innocence I’ve carried. I wanted to protect myself. You were nothing to be protected from, though.
All you want and want to see is what it’s like when I’m happy. I think of times I’ve been truly happy, and I think of you. I think of your quirks, the way you think things through. I think of how you don’t see yourself the way I see you either. You wear a mask of confidence, yet you don’t truly see or believe the beauty underneath. You don’t see yourself the way I do.
You know that you’re valuable, you know you’re desired, you don’t understand why. You want to be wanted for more than surface value. You want to be truly seen, but you can’t allow that either. I see you, because I see myself. I see the same fear, the same pain, the same desire to run. You don’t act as brashly as I do, but you think about it. You lie awake sometimes, wondering if you’re good enough. You don’t know how long something good will stay in your life.
I don’t want to let go, because even in silence, I need you. You’re how I get through. My heart still races, I still feel the longing burrowing it’s way through me. I know that you’re the answer. I need to let myself get through to you. I need to fight my way off of this sinking ship and rush back to the shore. I want to run straight to you, and know I can’t let go. I can’t let go of you.
Every time I imagine you’ll leave, I find my way back to you. I hear you calling, and my heart races more. I’ll be with you, and I won’t ever be afraid — afraid of you being alone. I’ve always thought I had to go it alone until you. I don’t have to, I don’t want to. I want to break free and run with you.
The thought of looking into your eyes has captivated me, and I know that I don’t want you to leave. I’ve never wanted you to leave. You deserve the best there is, and I know that I can be that. I’ll always ask for one more chance. I will always come racing back to you.
When I look up at the night sky, I know I can find your star shining brighter than the others. I’ll run to it, no matter how long it takes. You are the light at the end of this tunnel, guiding me into what I wish I could be, what I know I’m capable of. Don’t flicker out on me. Please—don’t flicker out. I’m running to you—home is where you are.