It’s never easy to say goodbye. I’ve never been one to say it without a lot of drama. I’ve never felt okay saying goodbye to anyone. I grow attached to people that come into my life and I don’t know if I’m ever ready to let them go. I’ll hold onto everyone, even when I realize they aren’t good for me or that I’m not good for them. I keep holding on and don’t lose hope. When the goodbye comes, it hurts.
Now it’s time, and I’m finally ready. I’m ready to say goodbye to you. To all of you. I’ve hurt you all for different reasons and hurt myself in the process. Some of you, I never actually saw your heart break. I don’t know if it really did. I know what I was told. It hurt knowing that your heart was breaking. It hurt to know that I caused the pain in your life.
I know there was a lot of pain for all of you, and while I wasn’t the innocent one, I still felt that pain. I felt anger, frustration, sadness—I lashed out more times than I’d like to admit. I used my past as a crutch and it hurt. I never trusted any of you, not fully anyway. You could sense that, though. I made myself emotionally unavailable.
I was always, always emotionally unavailable. I had a deep-rooted fear that if I let you in, I would only face pain. I would let you in just enough to understand what I’ve been through—why it was hard for me to trust people. It was hard, painful, frustrating, and I drove all of you up and down the walls.
Sometimes, when I get in my head, I think about the past. You’re part of my past; you all pop into my mind sometimes. I’ll remember little things. I remember singing with you. Spending nights with you. The warm embraces. The crazy drama while I was dealing with therapy issues. Being too sick to talk, but still having you call just to hear your voice—being embarrassed after it because I sounded so awful.
I remember packing up and driving away from you. I remember walking away and never talking to you again. I remember the frequent calls and texts left answered. I remember when your coworkers texted me from your phone and me taking the easy out. I remember when you were befriending someone my friend couldn’t stand. I could have dissolved the situation with us, but instead I chose to burn it.
I know I broke your hearts, and I think about it from time to time. I’m happy where I am now, though. I’m happy with who I’m with. I enjoy knowing they won’t give up on me, because love is love. I finally let my guard down enough to feel what true love is. They’ve dealt with me in ways no one ever should. They fought their way through my guard.
It was a tough fight, but they see I’m worth it. I know your heart was broken, and I wish all of you the happiness you deserve. I do owe you all an apology. I’m sorry I let you stay in my head. I’m sorry that you didn’t see my worth. I’m sorry I let you stomp all over me. I’m sorry I let you make me question myself. I’m sorry I let you drive me to what I did.
I’m not sorry I learned from you. I learned my worth and my happiness. I learned I deserve someone with ambition, someone driven, someone that sees the good in me that I see in them. I’m sorry you lost sight of everything. I’ve learned patience. I’ve learned that both sides deserve happiness.
I no longer feel that I have to change anything about myself to be cared for. I no longer feel that I need someone else to make me happy, but I can be happy with someone. They contribute to my happiness, but they aren’t the core. It’s lifechanging to find someone that encourages me to be me.
I’ve regained my pride. I found hope through myself now, and I’ve bettered myself since all of you. Your hearts were broken, but our relationships were toxic.
Our relationships weren’t meant to be. They all began with a honeymoon phase, a manic love phase, and then in the end, they went up in flames. Hearts were broken, and now I’ve healed. I’ve healed myself, and now I’m ready to say goodbye to your ghosts.
Your ghosts haunt me, and I am sorry I wasn’t what you thought I should have been. Your ghosts remind me of what was there, but they’re not there anymore. You aren’t there, and I’ve found happiness. I’ve found myself, and I’ve found what love is. I wish you all the best, and thank you for the lessons. I’m ready to move forward with my life, and I’ve found a heart that meets mine.
I’ve carried this pain, anxiety, frustration for a while now, and I’m ready now to say goodbye to the ghosts. I’m embracing my happiness now. Good luck to you, and goodbye.