PsychologyDating

Guys, Here’s What It’s Actually Like To Be A Woman

Written with Geoffrey Miller. This story is an exclusive chapter excerpt from MATE: Become the Man Women Want.

She Is Just as Frustrated by Dating as You Are

Even apart from women’s physical vulnerabilities, sexual-reputation anxieties, and practical physical needs, women’s minds evolved to be different from men’s minds. They evolved to want different things at different times.

As a man, it’s easy to envy women’s sexual power if you’re ignorant of their romantic desires. You might think, like the seduction peddlers in the PUA community often do, that if you were an attractive woman, you could sleep with any guy you wanted, get laid every weekend, and it would be awesome. And you could. But you wouldn’t enjoy it. Because that’s not what women evolved to want—that behavior did not serve their evolutionary interests.

In fact, this might be hard for you to believe, but it’s true: it is much harder for a highly attractive woman to get what she wants, sexually and romantically, than it is for a highly attractive man.

Yes, every beautiful, bright woman knows she could seduce almost any man for a quick fuck. But that is rarely what she wants. She usually wants a boyfriend, at least. And her experience, if she is single, is that she has failed, over and over and over, to get the guys she really respects and admires, the great catches, the Mr. Rights, to stay with her as long as she wants.

“If you don’t realize that even the very first hour of talking with her constitutes a type of relationship that needs some level of mutual respect and nurturance, she will especially not have sex with you.”

This is due in no small part to her struggle to understand her own taste in men. There are some guys she thinks she should logically be attracted to but isn’t, while there are other guys she knows she should stay away from but she can’t.This internal conflict is more pronounced in younger women than older, more experienced women; but it never fully goes away, and it only makes dating that much more frustrating.

She’s also frustrated by the dating scene because time is running out. Most young women want it all—education, career, money, status, love, marriage, kids, meaning, and purpose. But they can’t see how all that could plausibly happen by age 40 when fertility plummets. Do the age-math. If the average American woman is about to graduate college (typically around age 24), she might think about being a doctor—but that’s another four years for an M.D. (until age 28), and 6 years of exhausting residency (age 34) before she can even start building her independent practice, which can take years. By the time most bright women are in their late 20s, they’ve realized that the clock is ticking for both their career plans and their family plans and that the two are not going to fit together very well. She’s going to be looking for a guy who can help her manage these heartbreaking trade-offs.

That’s why, if your early-stage relationship is going well—even just the first hour of chatting—she might want to have sex with you very soon. And if it’s not going well, she probably won’t have sex with you ever—even if you’re an otherwise attractive guy. If you don’t realize that even the very first hour of talking with her constitutes a type of relationship that needs some level of mutual respect and nurturance, she will especially not have sex with you.

If she does decide to have sex with you though, what she is most concerned about is not whether you will break the bed, but whether you’ll break her heart. Women naturally fall for guys they’ve had several orgasms with. The oxytocin magic works reliably. This makes them emotionally vulnerable. The better the sex and the more they like you, the faster it happens.

So will you fuck her for one night and never call her again? That hurts for a week (or longer, if she really liked you). Will you hook up for three months until she falls in love with you, then evaporate for no obvious reason? That will hurt her for a year (or longer).

All of this makes the dating scene incredibly frustrating for women. Understand that and you’ll understand why women aren’t bending over backward to satisfy your unquenchable sexual thirst.

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