One, I lied. To you and to myself.
The first time you told me that you loved me, I knew that my feelings were getting to that point, too. I just didn’t want to admit it to either of us.
Two, I was scared.
Scared of how strongly I felt for you. It was too much, too fast. You made me feel things that I never thought I would feel. It’s terrifying.
Three, I’m still scared.
Scared that I feel too much. That I’m giving you everything and leaving myself with nothing. Scared that in the end, I’m just gonna be scarred.
Four, I will always fuck up.
I tend to mess up the best things that happen to me no matter how hard I try not to. When things are perfect, my stupidity and immaturity ruin things. I do things that I know I shouldn’t. Then I end up full of regrets that I cannot take back.
Five, my imagination has a mind of its own.
Even if I know what the truth is, I still have thoughts that are so wild that it makes me think of things that I know I shouldn’t have. Which brings us back to number four. I will always fuck up.
Six, I’m impulsive.
I usually say or do things without really thinking it through or caring about the consequences, good or bad. Which, again, brings us back to number four, I will always fuck up.
Seven, what people say, sometimes affects me in the long-run.
If they tell me lies about you despite me knowing the truth, sometimes, when I’m feeling really weak and vulnerable, those lies would be all that I can think about. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t trust you. Because I do, I swear I do.
Eight, I’m clingy as fuck.
I’m gonna want to be with you every second of every day. Think of me as flypaper, and you’re the fly. Getting rid of me will be that hard.
Nine, I’m a hopeless romantic.
Before I met you, reading was my escape. Every scene, every kiss, every chapter, I longed for me to be that girl. Reading set my expectations too high. Reachable but not probable. I’m gonna expect some things I got from books but that doesn’t mean you need to do them. It would be a plus though if you do.
Ten, I want all of your “I love yous” to be mine.
Unless they are for you mom or sister, I’ll get jealous if you say it to some other girl. Even if she’s just a friend.
Eleven, I hope you never get tired of hearing me say “I love you.”
Because I will never stop. Never ever. I’ll do everything I can to show it in all ways possible.
Twelve, I’m gonna make things right.
I know that I’m not the Flash and that I can’t travel back in time to fix things, but that doesn’t matter. What does matter is the here and now. Every decision I make, every choice I choose, every path I take, will be dedicated to making a better version of me. Because that’s what you deserve. What we deserve.
Thirteen, there will be relapses.
Number four will be a constant in our lives, but I’m doing everything I can to avoid it. We make mistakes. We do stupid things. We’re only human. And we can only do so much. I swear that I’ll make it up to you, though.
Fourteen, I love you.
So much that sometimes it hurts already. It feels like a double-edged sword at times. But I’m okay with that. Because love wouldn’t be love without a little bit of pain.
Fifteen, you’re it for me.
No matter what future I look at, what timeline it’s in, you’re always there. I can’t imagine one without you. Call me crazy, obsessed, or naive, but that’s how things will always be for me.