I wish I could count on you. I wish I could pick up the phone and call you whenever I felt like it and know that on the other end I would find reassurance, compassion, and understanding. I want to take silly pictures with you and I want to have you in my life.
But I can’t.
I am not a perfect person, but I can’t possibly be as bad as you tell me I am. I’ve done things I’m not proud of, but do you really mean it when you say I have absolutely nothing to be proud of? I’ve made mistakes, but am I really a complete failure?
A parent’s job is to love their child unconditionally, but I firmly believe a child’s love for their parent is equally as unconditional. I love you with every ounce of my being, and nothing you say or do could ever change that.
But we will never have the relationship I want. We will never be able to have a friendly conversation. We will never share a warm hug, we will never talk about the mundane details of our day together.
So I need to love you from a distance.
I need to love you from a distance because it hurts my heart to keep you close to me. Your words matter to me, and I just can’t hear them anymore. For years, I’ve answered the phone hoping you’re calling to apologize and fix things. But that’s never been the case. Every damn time, it’s been more hurtful words. So I won’t answer the phone anymore. I won’t keep hoping and praying that you’ll change.
I will never stop loving you. I will live my life and try and remember all of the times you made me laugh instead of making me cry. I’ll remember the words you used to say that gave me hope instead of the words that broke my spirit.
I’ll think of you and wonder how you are, but I won’t pick up that phone, because I know only anger and hurt will be there on the other end. I’ll go on with my life without you in it, though I know you’ll always be on my mind and in my heart.
I will always love you, but I will love you from a distance.