I often wonder what it would be like if I could just see you. One more minute. One more conversation. If Heaven had visiting hours and I could go, if only for a little while…oh, the stories I would tell you.
But it’s been so long.
It’s been so long since I last saw you. So long since I last cried to you about my silly teenage struggles. So long since you asked me how things were going in middle school, or if any boys had crushes on me. Things were different then. I was different then.
So if I saw you now, what if you didn’t know me?
You never saw me with makeup, what if you couldn’t recognize me through my lipstick and mascara? You knew me as a middle schooler, so what if you couldn’t hold a conversation with the college graduate standing in front of you? If I started talking about the love of my life for the past 4 years, would you be happy for me? Or would you still see me as the little girl you knew?
Time stopped for you when you died. No more changes, no more milestones, no more accomplishments. You would forever be exactly as I remembered. But the world kept spinning for me and, even through my guilt, I had to keep moving. I am not the girl you knew.
What if our relationship couldn’t pick up where it left off? What if I have changed too much and turned into someone you couldn’t love so easily? What if the life I have created for myself isn’t the life that would make you proud?
I have so many questions, so many fears, so many “what ifs”. But if I saw you in Heaven, I would know you. I would recognize you. And to see you again, to hug you again…that would be enough for me.