If I have learned anything throughout my years it is that life is unpredictable and the timing of our life is never not random or funny. Exhibit A: I was recently contacted by a casting agent for The Bachelor because a year ago one of my girlfriends sent in a nomination. A year ago, I had just moved from Vancouver after 2 years of almost no romantic relationships. A year ago, I felt like I was working off of a clean slate with all of my romantic woes behind me. A year ago, I was in denial.
Fast forward to now.
Yes, I am single. Yes, I am ready to mingle. However, there is one key difference in where I am at today and where I was then. Today I am under no misconception that I am working off even the slightest bit of a clean slate. My slate is so dirty and so messy, it would be a miracle if we could dust off enough bullshit to give me one sane leg to stand on. Let alone doing this on national TV. That said, back to life’s timing in all of its random glory. Maybe that is why it works. Maybe the first step in me finding my happily ever after is acknowledging I am a hot mess, but that doesn’t make me any less amazing or worthy of an epic life. Or epic love.
So, throughout the process of auditioning for the show, they ask you a ton of really personal questions. In fact, at the request of the casting agent, I had to answer pages and pages of questions about the most intimate details of my life, and I had to do so on film. It sounded kind of fun off the bat but it did become a bit annoying and sort of invasive. That said, it also forced me to think about the course of my life and all of my past relationships in a new light. When a stranger is asking you, “why didn’t that relationship work out?” I can’t exactly say “fuck if I know” and expect to make good TV. I had to actually dig deep down and figure out what I contributed to the demise of all of my past relationships and what that means for my future ones.
So, in doing this here is what I learned:
1. I am kind of a handful.
This is not to say that I am irrational by any means. I actually think I am extremely self-aware and do my best to maintain my chill as best I can. But, looking back at my interactions with past boyfriends made me realize that I actually have little to no chill. At least not naturally. I have learned to acquire some reason and some level-headedness throughout my years but I will always have to work at this and I am by no means perfect. What this means is that if I make it on the show or not, my next suitor will have to be strong-willed and also patient AF…which brings me to point 2.
2. Any man of mine better be patient AF and also, call me on my BS.
I mean, not sure I need to explain this to any other strong, independent, sassy women out there. But for fun and for the sake of continuity I’ll give it a shot. Guys – don’t be afraid to tell me when I am being an asshole, okay? In fact, I need that. I will walk all over you if given the chance and that floodgate is a tough one to close my friend. I can be crazy (shocking) and I can be a bit unreasonable sometimes but if someone tells me to STFU I tend to be brought down a peg. This advice is not to be taken lightly, so use your powers for good not evil.
3. Sometimes a shade of grey is A-Okay.
Answering all these tough questions made me realize that in its most simplistic sense, I have only really had 2 types of relationships on 2 very different ends of the spectrum. The first one is based out of convenience and a glorified friendship more than anything. And the second being a passionate and unruly riot in the heart. Maybe less in the way of mutual respect and friendship but hot damn our hearts (and probably a few other body parts) were on FIRE. There has yet to be a middle ground which is what I think I am in dire need of. Enter my version of Goldilocks who we can all pray looks like Ryan Gosling.
4. Love means never having to say you’re sorry…Just kidding.
If anything, think I have come to realize the importance of laying your armor down and conceding once in a while. Looking back, there were so many times I held onto something in relationships just to win the battle, but I ultimately ended up losing the war. Now, this is not to say you should throw around apologies like confetti but sometimes to make a relationship work, you really have to look at the big picture. Admittedly, this is not always my strong suit but is something I am working on and I believe will be pretty imperative for me going forward if I want to get on the show and beat all the other bitches for the affection of this one, very lucky, unnamed man. (*cough*Peter Kraus*cough*)
So, there you have it. My list of little self-discoveries that were prompted by a total stranger invading my privacy at my own free will. The things we do for love, am I right?
But in all seriousness, life’s unpredictability can sometimes be our biggest opportunity to grow. Maybe the universe is conspiring not to fuck your day up, but just the opposite. Maybe the universe is helping to get you to where you need to be to live your absolute best life. Or maybe it is not. But if we can take anything away from the random circus that is our day to day life, I think it is to trust it. Trust yourself, keep looking for ways to be better and one day, it will all come back to you.
And if you’re lucky, maybe it will be in the form of a Neil Lane diamond and a new best friend, Chris Harrison.