Listen, I get that during heartbreak, when you’re sinking into an emotional cave that’s an amalgam of self-loathing, and questioning your sanity, intelligence, and attractiveness that it’s instinct to play “Pale Blue Eyes” or “Be Mine!” repeatedly until all the year’s tears have been cried or go the aggressive route with “All Women Are Bad” or “Fuckin’ Problems” and become an angry jerk-off forever. No offense to fellow Thought Catalog writer Shawn Binder, but I feel like that’s falling into emotional pot holes, and really, you’re probably crying enough right now. You don’t need Robyn’s dripping timbre to pile on your emotions that are already at about the same level of fragility as a graham cracker with osteoporosis. Sometimes you need a companion that’s just going to distract you; not to avoid feelings, but to remind you that there’s more out there than love, and pop music isn’t always the best at that. You might not realize it, but right now you need rap, and maybe some dumbass party jams.
1. Gravediggaz – 1-800-Suicide
This song samples Booker T’s version of “Sunny” (WARNING: DO NOT LISTEN TO “SUNNY” UNLESS YOU WANT TO VOMIT OUT YOUR TEAR DUCTS) but it’s about what every Gravediggaz song is about: murder, gore, and basically anything found in a Clive Barker movie. There’s nothing that’s going to make you think about your ex in here, unless you’re in high security prison for copycatting Ed Gein.
2. Pigbag – Papa’s Got a Brand New Pigbag
Instrumental hits are your friend right now; especially ones that are so goofy you want to run around Kermit the Frog-ing with your arms. Don’t forget, you have a butt! Wiggle it around a little bit. Remind yourself that someday, maybe not right now, someone new will love that butt.
3. Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet – Reid’s Situation
Like I mentioned, instrumentals are your touchstone. Listen to the Shadowy Men and remember every Kids In The Hall skit you loved so much, then remember that it’s probably on Netflix. Soon you’ll lose three days to those five Canadian doofuses and right now it’s good to just burn through as many days as possible. Eat up that clock.
4. JR Writer – Get Em
If you have a car, this might be fun to play in the car. Far more car accidents have happened from people crying while driving than head bobbing while dancing and you want to live!
5. Young Thug – Stoner
Try not to hit the bottle or the reefer too hard. Both will make you gain weight and make clouded decisions. I know you want to self medicate, but winning the breakup is important and if you’re slimming down and not drunk texting the ex, you’re eighty percent to victory. Listen to Young Thug instead. You might get a bit of contact high, but you won’t accidentally ask a police officer where Sonic is.
6. AMG – Vertical Joyride
Your older brother gave you that rap tape when you were both kids and you didn’t really get the content, but you loved the profanity and that ghetto whistle still sounds great today. Call that brother. Don’t cry to him, but reminisce about those inside jokes you guys have and talk about sports and politics and all the things in life you forgot were fruitful. It’ll feel good.
7. Tones on Tail – Go!
You’ve probably watched/read High Fidelity at this point already, so try and be as “Barry” as possible in the mornings, because the mornings are usually the worst moment for heartbreak. “Walking On Sunshine” is too sycophantic so do the spin-o-rama Barry dance to this jam and remind yourself that Saturday nights are a real thing that you forgot about down the pit of domesticity and there’s one coming up. Call your friends and make plans for this Saturday.
8. Casino – Game Time
People like to tell you that you won’t find “the one” in a bar. Pretty sure that’s not the point of bars. I mean, don’t go tame some strange immediately, but you should absolutely go to the club, and any song that samples the Monday Night Football theme will definitely not remind you that your heart is in pieces.
9. Mistah F.A.B. – Party Outside
Can’t get in the club? Party outside! Just generally party wherever you are, or at the very least have yourself a laugh at how much fun Mistah F.A.B. is probably having, wherever he is.
10. Masta Ace – Slaughtahouse
One of the problems is you’re nostalgic for the time with your ex, and a cheat around that is to be nostalgic for a time BEFORE your ex, or alternatively for a time you’re too young to remember. This one is lined with sarcasm, cynicism, and some violent imagery, but it’s also fun to play real loud.
Remember: there’s a whole world out there that has nothing to do with matters of the heart and yours is an open wound right now. So if you keep picking at it, it’ll get infected and become useless.