5 Ways Vancouver Is Like A Teenage Girl

1. She throws a tantrum when she doesn’t get her own way. Her hockey team lost, which makes it time to smash in windows and steal nothing but Louis Vuitton bags and Pringles. Sounds a lot like retail therapy.

2. She’s not allowed to drink liquor unless her parents buy it and supervise her. With the most archaic liquor laws this side of Singapore, Vancouver is awash with illegal drinking and speakeasies. The city was founded by loggers looking for prostitutes and hooch, and in an attempt to clean up the city, strict liquor laws were enforced, most of which stand today. Up until the mid seventies, there were still two entrances to a pub; one for “gents” and one for “escorts.” The government was able to determine the color of the rug in bars, and round tables weren’t allowed as they promoted fraternizing. The provincial government purchases all beer, wine and spirits, and marks up the price so much that BC-produced wine is as expensive as wine from overseas. In addition, anyone wishing to open a bar or live music venue must purchase a pricey license from an existing location, and the province has been known in the past few years to purchase licenses themselves and nullify them. Not only can you not open a new bar, but there are less of them now than ever before.

3. Her bad side isn’t dangerous, it’s just repetitive and annoying. Vancouver is home to the poorest neighborhood in the country. However, you won’t get mugged, shot, or abducted there. Rather, you’ll be berated repeatedly by zombies asking for change or cigarettes. After a while it becomes less maddening and you end up tuning it out.

4. She’s pretty but can’t dress herself. Vancouver – with its mountains and ocean fronts – still shock even lifelong citizens with her beauty, but the buildings are miserable and out of place in the same way that young girls tattoo their bodies like they doodle on their binders. Most of the buildings are from the 1970s and were built on spec, many with cork floors. The architecture is lacking so much that buildings with little more than a brick façade are admired for standing out.

5. She has terrible taste in music. For a city that has had a wide ranging influence on pop music (The New Pornographers, Pointed Sticks), the flagship band of Vancouver is Nickelback. If you think for a second that just because the growly, “modern rock” band is from the city that it doesn’t mean its taste is poor, consider the music played during the Stanley Cup playoffs. While the Boston Bruins were blasting Jane’s Addiction, and “Who Do You Love?” during faceoffs, and adopting the Standells’ “Dirty Water” as their official theme song, Rogers Arena in Vancouver was playing Pitbull-soaked mashups. Even the organist was playing dickless, top forty songs instead of classic hockey rally melodies. TC mark

image – Kenny Louie

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  • http://twitter.com/geology_rocks Haley F

    I came to New York via Vancouver and this is very accurate.

  • Anonymous

    you may have wanted to be a bit more specfic with the whole “teenage girl” analogy… quite the vast stereotype you are a making.. kind of takes away from the humour. Like.. a “suburban teenage girl”?.. “a wealthy, sheltered teenage girl”… “a teenage girl in Beverly hills”… “an inner city teenage girl”??? Who are you talking about.??? Every teenage girl is not alike I find this article completely unrelatable. fail.

  • RH

    duh, architecture in the 1970’s was Brutalist. considering that Vancouver started out as a logging town accessible by railways in the mid 1800’s (considerably late for any eye-pleasing neoclassical architecture to be erected), the best you’re going to get is Edwardian.

  • Mill

    The ‘flagship’ band of Vancouver is hardly Nickleback. The Peak radio station much better represents our tastes. 
    And I’m sure our women are just as tattooed as any other city, although that doesn’t seem relevant. 

  • Uil

    I was buying alcohol in supermarkets at 14 in my school shorts dumbass.

  • asdfgh

    the fuck you know bout teenage girls 

  • scin

    this is so fucking misogynistic. as if teenage girls don’t have enough shitty stereotypes to contend with.

    this article describes an immature, irritating PERSON. leave girls out of it.

  • Kristin

    you obviously know very little about Vancouver, good for you.

  • Guest

    I like this. This is funny. I’m a teenage girl. 

  • Alexa

    Uh, Nickelback is from Alberta. How dare you try to pin that on Vancouver?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    I didn’t realize it was “Bash/Rage against Vancouver this week” on TC. I think Vancouver’s done enough damage to itself & by Boston

  • GUEST

    Awesome. 

  • valley girl

    ha ha ha, I can’t wait until my daughter is a teenage girl so I can tell her to “shut up and stop acting like Vancouver”

  • jonathan

    feel free to leave vancouver then

  • http://twitter.com/adamhump adamhump

    the flagship band is Destroyer bitch.

  • zzzzz

    wow, this is hideous.  what about 5 ways Vancouver is like an arrogant, self-righteous dj asshole?  that would be more true to form.

  • dip

    #2 is the stuff of Tea Party nightmares…

  • http://twitter.com/ArchStudy_Probs ArchiStudentProblems

    One word: Picton.

  • guestin'away

    In that case, you are welcome to never ever ever come back! :)

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