I have been “the other woman” three times in my life (that I know about). It has never a role I’ve enjoyed having, and it has usually come because I fell for him before knowing he was in a relationship, and by the time I found out, it was too late. My experiences have caused nights of crying myself to sleep, wishing I could be his first choice instead of his second or third. But I’m sick of being treated like this. I deserve so much more in my life.
From playing this role, I have learned to respect myself so much more than I used to. I used to be so desperate for love and affection that even once I found out I was the source of distress on a relationship, I continued my actions. I didn’t care, because I didn’t know his girlfriend, and I knew she would never find out. I just wanted to feel that closeness, even if it only lasted one drunk night. But I will never let myself give in to that again.
I have learned that I am a great girl, and I deserve someone who agrees with me enough to make me their prized possession. Now, I know that may sound conceited, but it’s true. Every woman deserves a man who treats her like the greatest thing to ever happen to him. And I have learned to not be delusional into thinking that’s what I was when I was a “sidepiece.”
I have not yet learned to fully accept myself, however. I have not ever had a serious boyfriend, I have never been asked out on a date (due, in part, to the fact that the men I tend to fall for already have a girlfriend), and that can take a toll on one’s ego.
There is only one male (besides family) who I was 100% myself in front of, and he was the one I fell for the most. I knew he had a girlfriend shortly after meeting him, so I had no cares in the world while hanging out with him. But while our friends were hooking up and we were stuck in the other room talking to each other, I found that I had more in common with him than I have with anyone else. We had the same birthday, same favorite movie, we were both nerds in high school and most of college, but he was already taken. He fed me lines like “you’re the coolest girl I’ve ever met,” and “if my girlfriend and I don’t work out, I’m coming to find you,” (to which I had to give an awkward chuckle and respond with “…fingers crossed…?”)
Because of this, it’s hard to be myself in front of guys. I want to find “the one,” but I’ve come to the point where I’m so scared that any great guy I meet will be taken, and I’ll fall for him anyway, that I have begun to close myself off. So learning to accept myself for whom I am and act like myself in front of people I don’t know is still a challenge I face.
But I have learned to have compassion for the “original woman.”
To you, all I have to say is I’m sorry. There have been three of you, but none of you know about me. I’m so sorry that your boyfriend is like this and you don’t know about it. I’m sorry that this has happened; if I could take it back, I would.
I’m sorry your boyfriend seems like the perfect guy to both of us, yet he clearly is not. I hope, for your sake, that you don’t settle for him. I have never met any of you, but no woman deserves this, from either end. I hope that if you do find out about me, you accept my forgiveness and find someone who loves only you, because the biggest thing I have learned is that that’s what every woman deserves.