I was recently in a situation where I was involved with someone for quite a period of time whom I had strong feelings for, but because of varying factors, a relationship didn’t exactly make sense. We were in different stages of life. They were newly out of a relationship, I was looking for someone who had taken space for themself before jumping into another. We had different priorities, valued different things. Because of these components, it made our “non-relationship” and time together a little complicated. Upon making the adult decision to finally walk away, we ended up telling each other we loved one another and expressing our vulnerable feelings for the other. It felt strangely beautiful to end it with love. In a weird way, it made me feel more at peace with it. To know that it was real. My breath and his. My heart and his.
I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on the situation. On how I could tell someone I love them and then walk away. Love is so powerful. Once you feel loved by someone, they give you the permission and safety to bloom in their arms. It’s the safest container, the warmest embrace. It’s the embodiment of security, which gives us the opportunity to be the freest we have ever been. It’s the blood in our veins, the breath in our lungs, the force beneath our feet that moves us. It is what makes this world come alive. It is the whole damn point of everything we do! It is the purpose. The divine gift.
It is all of that and so much more. Yet at the same time, it’s not enough. Love can’t always be enough. I’m left pondering that thought. That the very breath in our lungs and the reason we are alive is not always enough.
Then I think about how powerful love is, to be willing to let us go when it knows we aren’t growing from it anymore. I think the reason why love is so powerful is not because it lasts forever, but because it is brave enough and humble enough and honest enough to admit that it can’t always be enough. So it leaves, but it’s sneaky, because it doesn’t really ever leave. It just takes on a different role in our lives, in the form of a new friend or hobby or smile from a baby or tulips blooming outside of our window in spring. Love is powerful because it is willing to do the hard thing that is the right thing and leave. It is willing to accept what we cannot change and dance with the wind on its way out.
So I sit back and I smile and I think of all of the love I have had in my life that was still so strong but was brave enough to take the leap and walk away. I think of the good man that I loved and still love, that I willingly walked away from. As I get older, my perspective on love is changing. I’m realizing that just because we love someone doesn’t necessarily mean that they are a suitable partner for us. Years ago, I would get into a relationship based solely on my feelings for them and our connection. Although of course these things are incredibly important, I want to be thoughtful in a logical sense about who I enter into a partnership with. If our lifestyles mesh. If we have the same morals and values. If the other and myself truly feel like we are ready to healthily commit to a relationship. In this, I’m learning to be more okay with loving and letting go. I’m willing to open myself up to loving someone without the pressure of expecting every single person I love to be a compatible life partner. I’m realizing that just because certain loves don’t last doesn’t make them any less powerful, and I shouldn’t hold myself back from experiencing them.
Every time I have loved and my heart has broken, it has come back to me a little more whole, a little more complete, a little more firm in the knowing of who I am.
Every time I have let love go, it has held my hand on the way out, pointed at the sun, and been brave with me.