Attention, men—that is, whatever’s left of you out there—stick to these guidelines to sharpen your edges. These seemingly harmless social delinquencies slowly erode your status in the eyes of women, I promise. And if the people who write on here are any indication, making an impersonal promise to strangers is the strongest kind of promise there is.
1. Wear a saddle bag on your motorcycle
Guys, lose them. It’s worse than putting a spoiler on a minivan. If a motorcycle is your only mode of transportation, you’re probably homeless and don’t have any possessions to carry with you anyway. Wear a fucking backpack. If you fall off, it will at least give you a chance at breaking your fall. This one is a bit tricky since ideally your woman is not on a motorcycle to begin with. But if she were a biker bitch, bags would obviously be permissible.
2. Drink iced coffee
That titanic sugary cylinder and its bright red straw should only be slurped by candy-colored lips—and certainly not by the slimy, pimply kind wearing a Futurama shirt.
3. Wear aprons
Unless you’re a spot welder or a butcher, an apron should not touch your torso. Barbecuers, I’m giving you a stern, disapproving stare. Why the fuck does a masculine activity suddenly make you want think it’s OK to don an almost-skirt? If you’re worried about getting dirty outside, friggin’ wear a shitty T-shirt and jeans!
4. Carry umbrellas
Be a man and just walk in the goddamn rain. It’s refreshing. No little-girl running, either. Stoic walks only. Covering your head with a newspaper is OK.
5. Wear sandals
I hesitated to even put this one down because I thought everyone had received the manifesto by now, but I don’t even need to leave the workplace to witness this atrocity. It’s not even about being disgusted by feet; it’s about looking like a goofy little kid wearing something impractical and counterproductive on the bottom of the appendages most responsible for your very survival.