As part of my never-ending advice on how to not act like a retarded man-child, I look at five extremely unfortunate things that modern men do. Don’t agree? Enjoy celibacy!
1. Untucking their shirts
America, tuck in your goddamn shirt! If you’re over 25 and let it fly, I automatically assume you cannot be trusted in any capacity. Untucked shirts are appropriate for the beach only.
2. Riding lawn mowers
Are you mowing a football field? No? Then stand the fuck up! Don’t you want a dutiful wife to bring you a cold, dewy glass of iced tea and a warm slice of her pussy? I had to combat occasional bee attacks, teenage sloth, and a harrowing vertical section of the lawn, but I got it done every summer on my own two feet. Get off of your ass and push that infernal thing yourself.
3. Wearing giant headphones
I once very briefly had a pair of gigantic video-game headphones until I realized I looked like an astronaut whose sole mission was to not get pussy. I used to hate 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick simply because his eyes are too close together, but seeing him look like a little kid with his dumb flat-brimmed hat and huge, goofy headphones provided me with freshly unearthed coal-fired hatred. These are only appropriate for listening to classical music at home, smoldering in solitude with the blinds drawn.
4. Wearing knee-high socks
I can’t wrap my head around the purpose of these things outside of an apocalyptic blizzard. If you’re wearing shorts, I assume it’s because of the rising mercury, so why subtract some clothing only to replace it with other clothing? It’s cartoonish-looking—like if I ran up to you and pulled at the bottom of your shorts they would magically stretch down along with your socks. Up and down, up and down to the sounds of a slide whistle.
5. Smoking weed
This is another thing every guy should stop doing after 25 (though according to recent studies, you shouldn’t start until after 25). Weed makes you feel and look like a nervous robot trying to fool everyone into thinking it’s human. It gums up your brain at precisely the time you need to be using it the most. Save it for parties and existential walks through the woods. Come to think of it, forget everything I just said. You guys are making it way too easy for me out there.