1. The school Financial Aid Office sends you a sympathy card every year, expressing their condolences on the death of your financial future, and/or, you receive a cease and desist order from the U.S. Treasury Dept. stating that you have exceeded your share of the National Debt.
2. You realize that you have left your weed stash in statistics class, but can’t remember the room number.
3. Your class attendance has dipped below 50%, but you have not missed an episode of “Game of Thrones.”
4. The owner of your off-campus apartment building is the skin-head flunky in high school who was voted “Most Likely To Secedeî, but who now owns a very successful line of sex paraphernalia equipment.
5. You have a persistent and panicky dream that you are supposed to be in a class but can’t remember where it is. When you wake up, you are only slightly relieved when you realize you have already flunked that class.
6. None of your teacher’s recognize you, even though it’s the end of the semester, or, they keep asking you if you have ever considered a “trade school”.
7. You are a senior, but when you try to fill even a single page with all the useful things you have learned so far in college, you still have room to doodle a picture of Justin Beiber trashing a hotel room.
8. While you are still trying to figure out your major, some of your high school friends have become grandparents.
9. You need to take an adderall to stay awake in your sex education class.
10. You’ve listened to a lecture for more than ten minutes before realizing you are sitting in the wrong class.
11. You chose your major because you thought it would impress women or make you a lot of money, but you would actually rather have your spleen removed by a far-sighted car mechanic than spend your entire life working in that field.
12. Your aging parents are subsidizing your education by working ten hours a day on a crop-sharing cotton farm in Arkansas. Your grandmother chips in by selling crocheted baby booties she knits with her arthritic hands. Meanwhile, you are majoring in “Multiculturalism in German-speaking Europe” [for which there is a special express line at the unemployment office] when you are not binge drinking or paddle-spanking fraternity pledges.