A Clockwork [insert name of random fruit here as it won’t matter as no one will understand what the f%@k this movie is really about anyways].
So, I decided to grow a beard. Hold your applause till the end.
Don’t attempt to “wing it” or “improvise” or “pull rabbits out of your hat.”
This is your lucky day, because I have compiled 11 extremely easy steps that, if taken, will lead to you becoming much more attractive then you are right now.
Do you want to get the girl? Follow this advice.
Don’t take this the wrong way, because I really value our friendship.
Cry your heart out.
When the two of you discuss your future plans she always gleefully suggests cutting off all ties with friends and family.
Change is just around the corner.
And when we are broken up with, we feel hurt and stupid for not seeing that signs that were so obvious to everyone else.