So, she just left you the other day for an underwear model or fitness instructor or particularly hot accountant and you’re down?
We’ve all been there — single and alone with the sting of her final, biting words still lingering in the air. Self-worth at an all-time low as you contemplate the life of celibacy that has been thrust upon you once again, yet you have a fridge full of food and are hungry for dinner.
Well, here is a simple summer recipe that any guy can cook for himself as he begins to contemplate what is wrong with him.
1 Tbs Olive Oil
3 Cloves of Garlic
1 Medium Zucchini
1 Yellow Bell Pepper
1 Pint Grape Tomatoes
1 Tbs Italian Seasoning
1 Pinch of Salt
1 Pinch of Ground Black Pepper
2 Cups Greens (Kale, Chard, Spinach or Arugula)
1 Bunch Fresh Basil
Juice of 1/2 Lemon
2 tsp Parsley
2 Tbs Grated Parmesan
2 oz any shape of dried Pasta
- Put a pot of salted water on the stove, bring to a boil over high heat while attempting to forget her final remarks negatively comparing your physique both to a pile of wet socks and, oddly, a question mark.
- While the water is coming to a boil, peel and mince garlic while asking Siri exactly what the “emotional maturity of a fire ant” actually means.
- Cut zucchini in half and then into thin 1/2 moon shapes trying not to remember that night you first kissed under the moon and she said “nice try”.
- Remove stem and seeds from the pepper and cut into small pieces while trying to understand how even after you opened your copy of Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus to the same section she was reading, she still confusingly claimed the two of you “weren’t on the same page”.
- Cut each grape tomato in half ignoring all the times she expertly showed off her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation skills at house parties even though you were fairly certain no one was recently a victim of near-drowning.
- Mince the greens without feeling too angry that the audio recordings of your disturbing dreams full of daddy issues, abandonment and fear of being used by a trusted loved one just made her new comedic podcast go viral (note: it’s available for free download on Stitcher, iTunes and wherever people get their podcasts).
- Put a saute pan on medium-high heat and, after a few moments, pour in the olive oil. Unfortunately, this will remind you of that time she poured oil all over you while you were sleeping and then used you as a human curling rock to practice for the tournament the following week.
- Remove the basil leaves from their stems and slice into thin strips working hard not to watch the passionate make-out sessions she is live streaming on YouTube with the new guy who is an unqualified improvement over you using every conceivable metric.
- Cut the lemon in half and squeeze the juice into a small bowl. The accompanying sting will take you back to that “vacation” when she piled you in the car, told you the destination was Disneyland, but instead brought you to the psychology department at the local university as they’d shown great interest in your diaries that she had sent in without your knowledge.
- Once the olive oil is shimmering reminding you all-too-well of her unblemished, shimmering skin as she lay by the poolside “just talking to these hot guys who clearly work out on a regular basis — I’m sorry, but I’m naturally flirty”, add the garlic. Try not to whimper or whine too loudly as your neighbors will call Wildlife Control like those other times.
- Do your best to avoid thinking about her scathing (yet impeccably well written) 61 item list critiquing your sexual performances with incredibly graphic details as you don’t want to let the garlic burn.
- Once the water is boiling, add in the pasta. Tears are okay as making water boil used to be the thing you did together.
- Add the zucchini and pepper to the pan and stir with a wooden spoon while cheering yourself up that, in the end, your mom was right that “it wasn’t your fault, sweetie, she was just quite clearly too good for you”.
- Once the zucchini and peppers are softened slightly, add in the tomatoes. It is tempting to dwell on your shortcomings including, but not limited to: zero muscular definition, bodily hair that is often positively compared to an overly hairy marsupial and a sense of humor that she once referred to as “a perfect 10 on the awkward and cringe scale of 1 to 10”.
- After a few minutes, the tomatoes will begin to break down — you know how they feel, don’t you big guy — add salt, pepper, and Italian seasoning.
- Toss in the chopped greens with the same accuracy she playfully tossed grass clippings, pet dander, and her collection of dust mites on you as part of a “game” or “research” or “something, whatever” involving allergic reactions.
- Add the lemon juice and basil to the pan and stir and, yes, in retrospect, it was definitely a bad idea to offer your unsolicited critique of all world religions when meeting her parents for the first time.
- Drain the pasta in a colander in the sink and add to the pan. Gently mix so the pasta is coated and cook for a few minutes on medium-low heat. If it helps, convince yourself that she was in fact “laughing at a joke I just remembered as well as choking slightly due to a mild peanut allergy at the same time” at the precise moment you lost at strip poker on your third date.
- Finely chop the parsley and sprinkle on top. There is also a chance she is wrong and your particular odor is not “an adequate replacement for smelling salts” and “wouldn’t cause all but a small subsection of human females to all of a sudden consider nunnery as a good option”.
- Spoon yourself a healthy portion — she was probably accidentally putting air quotes around the word ‘love’ when she referenced your love handles on those five separate occasions.
- Finally, add Parmesan to the top thus reminding you of her interpretative dance entitled “My Boyfriend’s Ongoing Battles with Dandruff” that she performed to a standing ovation at the staff Christmas Party last year.