1. I was running out of material for my therapist anyway.
2. Look, I shouldn’t have flirted with your best friend, your sister, and your mom if I cared about you, but in my defense, I’m incredibly stupid.
3. Someday I may stop farting so much, then you’ll be sorry!
4. How was I to know you’d find my going through your garbage, both at home and at work, a deal breaker?
5. Guess who is moving back in with his parents and living rent-free now?
6. I’m totally okay with pity sex — just putting it out there.
7. And to think I sacrificed my cat — not literally, though I would have considered it if you insisted — to be with you and your cat allergies!
8. I just think it’s confusing when you say you value open and honest communication and yet when I communicate about my intense Oedipal feelings you are disgusted.
9. It’s actually quite exhausting shaving and making sure I don’t smell on a regular basis.
10. I swear you said you loved racist foreplay!
11. Just to clarify, you didn’t like it when I left 12 consecutive voice messages, each more paranoid and jealous than the one before?
12. Sort of feels like I got in touch with my emotions, watched an incredible number of romantic comedies, and developed a nose for potpourri for nothing.
13. You know, on our first date, I was fairly certain your makeup had been applied by a five-year-old.
14. Well, I happen to enjoy joking about dating an actual terrorist while pointing at you when going through security at the airport.
15. If you change your mind about us, I’ll forget that you posted pages of my private diary online.
16. I lied when I said that yellow dress didn’t make you look like a banana, but in my defense, I love bananas.
17. When you called my kissing “beyond horrible” and “are you a chimpanzee?” and “maybe I am gay after all,” what did you mean exactly?
18. Was my buying “his and hers” cemetery plots after the second date too much?
19. Joke’s on you! I sort of guessed this was going to end at some point, so I never actually threw out any of those old t-shirts.
20. Good luck with all your neuroses, you’ll need it!