1. So, I’ve been rinsing with mouthwash and brushing my tongue for nothing!
2. Well, at least now I have time to really focus on myself which, in reality, means more time for video games.
3. You were joking about my shaving all of the hair off my body — including my eyelashes and eyebrows — , removing my clothes and greasing myself all over with butter so you could slide me around like a human hockey puck? And now you say you find me disgusting and are taking out a restraining order? Well, that’s just great.
4. Is it because I’m in my 30s, still live with my parents and refer to them as daddy and mommy?
5. My collection of jars of ear wax was just never your thing was it?
6. Let me get this straight. Even though I planned, shopped and cooked a wide variety of intricate meals, the fact that they each gave you food poisoning is a deal breaker? Wow, so picky!
7. Does this mean I have to return all of the clothes you left at my place? They were really coming in handy for my dress-up games.
8. Can I take a few photos of us in a variety of poses so I can post pictures to my social media as proof that I was with an actual human female?
9. It’s my fear of being touched by anyone who isn’t either a nurse or dressed as a nurse, isn’t it?
10. My therapist is asking if you can please take at least partial blame for why things didn’t work out between us.
11. I guess I shouldn’t have asked you about fathering my children? Or at least not asked you every day for the past 2 months.
12. Good luck finding someone who loves you like I do! And, no, I’m not actually wishing you ‘good luck’, I’m actually kinda pissed off right now!
13. For the hundredth time, I ran over your dog — repeatedly — by accident! In my defense, I swear I thought you were laughing and not crying hysterically. Honestly, I think it’s a mistake anyone would make.
14. And to think I was considering taking large amounts of human growth hormones for you!
15. If I give you $100 can you tell my family and friends that I was actually too good of a lover, so you had to leave me?
16. I can’t believe you waited until after I shaved your mother’s back to break up with me!
17. Just like my grandfather said, “one does not choose the celibate life, the celibate life chooses you.”
18. I’m not sure how I was supposed to know you’d find my sitting in your closet — fully dressed, I remind you — deeply inhaling near your clothes, creepy.
19. Maybe I’m gay? Or, if I’m not, maybe I should consider it.
20. Someday, when all of the heartbreak and pain are gone, I will look back on these past 9 days as the best in my life.