1. So quiet. All the time. Eerily so. Have to put music or TV or computer game on so you can’t hear myself think/breathe/chew.
2. With no nagging roommates/girlfriend/mother around, it is too easy to let dirty dishes pile up in the sink for days only breaking down to wash them when there are no clean pots or forks or counter space to eat off of because the plates are dirty.
3. Can get away with wearing the same dirty sweats day after day with no one to comment that you should “consider getting rid of that ridiculous goatee” or “look presentable or at least like you weren’t raised by wolves” or “care if you smell like expired dairy products”.
4. No check on eating too much! “Whoops, I made enough pasta to feed an elephant…again” or “why do I keep buying ice cream by the gallon?” or “wow, 4 large pizzas for the price of 3 is such a great deal” you’d say to yourself before camping out in front of the TV for the evening, helping myself to multiple portions more than you should.
5. End up becoming overly reliant on cats for company to the extent that they are clearly attempting to run away just to get some alone time.
6. Racing to pick up the phone when you think someone is actually calling to invite you out of my prison/apartment only to find it’s a telemarketer. Then making so much friendly chit chat with the telemarketer that they hang up on you.
7. Too many Saturday nights, sitting in the dark naked with a flashlight, making lists of people you want revenge on including, but not limited to: your high school girlfriend who dumped me in grade 10 (you are 33 now), your sarcastic and sociopathic boss (who you are a little envious of) and your next door neighbour who is constantly having all-night parties and doesn’t have the common courtesy to turn the music down or invite you.
8. Way too much time wondering if the pretty cashier at the grocery store who sort of smiled at you once when you gave her money to pay for your food is single.
9. All day long all you can think about is racing home from work, putting on your bathrobe and playing video games until 3 o’clock in the morning.
10. Most of your friends are in relationships and they don’t want to invite their single, unshaven and pathetic friend along to couples’ nights as it’s a bit of a downer for the rest of them even when you volunteer to be both the designated driver and the fall guy if stopped by the police.
11. Doing laundry really poorly once every two weeks and not caring.
12. Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, shirtless and totally getting the predicament you are in.
13. Never needing to hide your porn.
14. Moving all of the furniture in your living room to create enough room for a 9000 piece jigsaw puzzle or large train set or Twister game that you play with your imaginary friends.
15. Evenings at your parents doing your laundry and having dinner are circled in large red marker on your calendar.
16. Hurting yourself when you attempt and fail to give yourself a shoulder massage.
17. Having to make up pretend social events you are “busy” with when your grandmother calls on your birthday.
18. Working up the courage to ask to move back in with your parents to save money only to hear they converted your room into a storage space/home office/orgy room.
19. No need to blame others or excuse yourself for any bodily noises/odors you make.
20. Too easy to spend a lot of time dancing around pretending to be a ballerina.