Are you a single guy?
Well, I’m here to tell you it’s not just you.
We have all gone on disastrous first dates where it became obvious within the first five minutes that not only did you have nothing in common nor share a sense of humor, but staying in the same physical space any longer may have caused irreparable damage for humankind.
We have all gone on disastrous first dates where the only thing the two of you agreed upon was that there would never, ever be a second.
But, guys, we have all been on first dates where if only we had known what to say and when to laugh and when to listen, we may have had a chance.
Tired of blowing it with your sweaty palms, stupid questions and the inability to eat neatly?
Try these steps and you will absolutely survive to see a second date!
1. Arrive early!
After scoping out the restaurant/coffee shop/funeral parlor, retreat to the bathroom to practice a wide variety of facial expressions in the mirror that may come in handy on the date — I suggest pouty, adorable and utterly pathetic. I also suggest rehearsing how to handle different commonly occurring first date scenarios: slightly too long periods of eye contact, fire evacuations, and running low on cellular data on your phone.
2. First impressions are so important!
You need to put your best foot forward or, depending on how far away she is, both feet. Now is not the time to say any of the following: “OMG, girlfriend, you are hot!” and “I need this to work, I’m completely desperate” and “please fill out the following forms so we can start making babies!” To remain calm and unsweaty, pretend she is your accountant unless your accountant is hot.
3. Getting the Ball Rolling!
Greeting her and welcoming her to “the date” is a potential landmine ready to explosively and preemptively end the whole thing before it even starts. This means no kissing, no full-body-yes-I-want-to-get-a-room hugs and no fist bumps unless she initiates it of her own free will. It’s an absolute must that you greet her with a medium-firm handshake. If your grip is either too loose or too firm, she will think you are either weak as a fish or taking performance-enhancing drugs, neither of which are popular among single ladies in your area code.
Any and all compliments on her appearance are worth their weight in gold — especially if you mean it! Women love compliments. Truth be told, they are like raving, homicidal maniacs for them hopefully (for your sake) minus the homicides! Just don’t go too far and make it obvious that you are only trying to score brownie points even if she has promised you a brownie! This is your chance to show your sweet and caring side and, for those who are daring, your ability to rap.
5. Be Unique!
You must stand out among the competition! I suggest taking full advantage of this dating opportunity by either doing something cool and unique like magic tricks (hint: don’t do magic tricks), stripping naked or launching into any number of the wide variety of controversial topics you prepared such as: the many pros of dolphin hunting, why vegans and their loved ones should be deported, why all religions are totally and completely wrong and why controversial magicians who strip naked, disrespect all religions simultaneously in front of women on first dates make great lovers.
When asked what you are looking for in a woman it is too early to be completely honest — “someone to cuddle up on the couch with for eternity”, “a getaway driver”, “a lifetime supply of boobies”. I recommend striking a balance between stereotypical (“someone who completes me”) and memorable (“someone who completes me down to the sub-atomic level and, yes, I brought my portable particle accelerator to check.”) But, warning guys, don’t let your guard down during this portion of the date. Keep your answers short, vague and with a healthy dose of paranoia as if she is a lethal predator ready to pounce and tear you at least one new one or an undercover operative for the CIA because, based on my own experiences, she might be.
Women love a guy who can not only hear but also listen, so you must demonstrate your advanced skills on the first date! For the uninitiated, true listening should involve total and complete eye contact, lots of nods of your head, and a litany of thoughtful replies such as “that sounds so tough and/or beautiful”, “you are such a strong, amazing, vibrant woman” and “I feel you, dawg, I mean girl”. For those who can listen, but have a poor memory, take copious notes so at least you’ll be able to go home and analyze the conversation continually before your next first date as this one is, for all intents and purposes, over because taking notes during a date is a huge turnoff unless handwritten transcribing was your top mutual interest.
8. Show You Could Be Husband Material!
Depending on her age and the precise time shown on her biological clock (don’t ask to look!), she may be seeking not just a casual fling but a man who can father her future children. She will be assessing everything about you over the next 30–150 minutes including, but not limited to, your vocabulary, your gait, your odor and your estimated IQ based on your ability to solve a variety of Mensa puzzles she “just happened to have with her in her purse”. For those of you who are slow, if she asks to check your sperm count later that evening back at your place, that is a good sign! This date could all be a grand scheme of hers to see if your potential contributions to the genetic pool are valuable enough to offset your clear and obvious deficiencies, so be ready.
9. Bumps in the Road.
First dates are often full of awkward silences that can mean death for the two of you. Sure, some will tell you to embrace the silence and get lost in each other’s eyes, but those people are lying to you as eyes are really small! Silence, especially on the first date when both of you should be full of tons of excitement and, in some cases, stimulants, is a killer. Therefore, I completely recommend avoiding silence by any means necessary! Prepare, prepare, prepare everything from rambling stories from your childhood that have no point to the growth on the back of your knee to detailed questions about her menstrual cycle. The lack of silence will be deafening! You’re welcome.
I’ve heard that laughter is the best aphrodisiac! So, in order to truly fall for each other and get to that second date and beyond, you must demonstrate a real sense of humor. Regardless of how the date is going, you just can’t allow yourself to appear angry and hate filled, uncontrollably sad or to just stare morosely out the window dead to the world around you unless she does it first. Showing you love to laugh is key! So, laugh, laugh away — it’s infectious, sort of like that cold sore on your lip, but even harder to get rid of. People from other tables will look your way and wonder “what the f$%k is so goddamn funny over there we are trying to eat” as the two of you laugh like hyenas for the rest of this evening and beyond.
11. Saying Goodbye.
As important as first impressions are, last impressions are equally as important because, as I’m always saying, if you don’t stick the landing she will abruptly leave and block you on all social media platforms faster than you can ask “what hit me?” (it was a bus, figuratively). You must save your best, most poignant, non-gross-but-sort-of-hot lines for the end and leave her wanting more. Regardless of how well it’s all gone, don’t rest on your laurels (don’t even bring laurels in the first place — too tempting) or act too cocky! Don’t forget she holds all the cards and is in total and complete control. If you like her, maintain your composure and tell her how you’d like to see her again. As you say farewell, resist the temptation to use any word with more than three syllables unless you are certain of the pronunciation and, by no means should you drop to your knees and beg, as my in-depth research shows that has no better than between 0.5 and 0.6% chance of working.
That’s it, guys. Follow these rules and you will have done your best. If it still doesn’t work out, she is clearly either part of an undercover sting operation (believe me) or a robot.