Famous Ad Slogans That Will Completely Depress You After Your Girlfriend Dumps You
By Tommy Paley
Harley Davidson — “American by Birth. Rebel by Choice.”
(Her new guy rides a motorcycle… shirtless! It’s totally unfair! He’s cooler than you’ll ever be and that’s why she left you.)
Volkswagen — “Think Small.”
(She did, each time she looked at me, until it made her sad and she drove off in the cute German car I bought her for a present. I guess when it comes to cars size isn’t important?)
Walmart — “Save Money. Live Better.”
(Or, as she said in her final, subtle suggestion to me: Spend money. Live somewhere else.)
Nike — “Just Do It.”
(Just don’t do it. Please stop doing it. Can’t you see how much your doing it is hurting me? Nice shoes, though.)
Calvin Klein — “Between love and madness lies obsession.”
(And between obsession and my girlfriend lies a vapid underwear model with a six pack who smells really, really great, I’m sure.)
Levi’s — “Quality never goes out of style.”
(Quantity, on the other hand, is excessive and a tad show-offy, from what I can tell perched in the tree across the street using my binoculars.)
Energizer — “Keeps going and going and going.”
(No one—and I repeat: no one—can keep going. Not that I would know because I was curious and hid in your closet one weekend while the two of you gainfully and enthusiastically explored that possibility.)
PlayStation — “Live in your world. Play in ours.”
(Or, visit another world and decide to abandon everything about your old world even to the point of refusing to forward mail, reply to text messages, or answer voicemail no matter how depressing and pleading.)
EA — “Challenge everything.”
(Including, but not limited to, her leaving, her definition of “half the stuff,” her “forgetting the good times,” and her restraining order.)
Kodak — “Share moments. Share life.”
(Stop constantly sharing photos of the wonderfully blissful moments of your much happier life after leaving me all over social media regardless of the crystal clear quality of the photos!)
FedEx — “When there is no tomorrow.”
(Exactly how I feel! And while I’m sure the people at FedEx provide a great and timely service, this slogan puts me in no mood to ship anything — or date anyone else — anywhere ever again.)
McDonald’s — “I’m lovin’ it.”
(Well, I’m not lovin it, clown! Especially as I sit here in my Groucho Marx disguise a few booths over as they make out, both letting their cheeseburgers and fries go cold and ruining my appetite.)
M&Ms — “Melts in your mouth, not in your hands.”
(And definitely not in my hands, not any longer.)