Can’t Afford College? Apply For One Of These Unfortunately-Named Scholarships!!
By Tommy Paley
So, you are finally about to graduate from high school?
The cost of post-secondary education getting you down?
Do the regular scholarships not fit your particular set of skills?
Well, here are some new and unique scholarships, awards and bursaries that will help you on your way towards pursuing your future goals.
Interested in studying Design at the University of Michigan, but have severe financial need while also having your intelligence constantly compared non-ironically to that of a doorknob (with good reason)? No worries, because this Bursary is for you! As we always say, “Just because you’re really really dumb, doesn’t mean you can’t apply for the D.U.M.B.”
Do you love Fine Arts? Do you also love Research? How about being a Trainer for others while also injesting disgusting amounts of rich food on a daily basis? Well, if you apply for this new grant, you can combine all three of these without being at all self-conscious of your studies or your irritable bowels! That’s right, now you too can F.A.R.T.!
Working on your double major of Bronze-age Architecture and Theoretical Horticulture? Do you also have a long history of being overly and disgustingly smelly and grimy? Apply for this renewable B.A.T.H. award and you could be soaking up the funding after literally soaking in a tub and washing behind your ears (yes, we will check).
Planning on applying for the new Bachelor of Integrated Therapeutic Chinese Herbology program? Write a 1000 essay full of unrelenting sass and attitude entitled “Why this bitch wants to study to be a B.I.T.C.H.?” and you could have your entire first year paid for.
The Yakima Ombudsman’s Union Seattle University’s Chicken Katsu award (not to be confused with the Your Original Undies Seattle Underground’s Carnal Knowledge award) is handed out to the top incoming student who is able to cook the most delectable and authentic chicken katsu while also so obviously sucking as an individual in every conceivable way. You will need to provide 5 personal and/or school references completely detailing the depths of your loserness to be considered for the highly-competitive Y.O.U.S.U.C.K. award.
Tired of being teased, taunted and made fun of your entire life while also being quite proficient at playing jazz music? Thankfully, with this new award, $3000 will be given to the male, jazz musician who can demonstrate (via video) the best use of kinesthetic learning while also clearly being an absolute laughing stock for all who know him. Your certificate will say in large red letters, “Jazzman Of Kinesthetic Excellence. What a J.O.K.E!”
The Vermont Institute’s Reconstructivist Under Seventeen award goes to the top essay from a junior high school student who demonstrates a keen understanding of how and why societies should continually reform themselves in order to establish more perfect governments while also clearly acting as a host for a wide variety of infectious agents (quantity and quality both count). You will proudly yell at the top of your lungs “Hey mom and dad! Guess what? I got a V.I.R.U.S!”
Philanthropist’s of East Raleigh: Virtual Environment Realizer Trophy and book prize go to the applicant who has helped realize the most amazing, stunning and practical virtual environment while also being considered a person whose sexual behavior is regarded as abnormal and unacceptable. Don’t worry, if you receive this prize, you will be finally be proud to be a P.E.R.V.E.R.T.!
Are you an Undeclared Greater Louisville Youth with totally uncertain plans or direction for the future while also being considered quite hideous to all aside from your mother, and even then you are fairly certain she’s just being nice? Apply for this new $5000 award to help you on your way and then you’ll be rich and U.G.L.Y.!
Looking to study French as an exchange student in Paris? Always been jealous of your classmates who have been enjoying years of unprotected sex without a care in the world? Then apply for the Scholarship du Toulouse Institute and you may proudly say “Now I, too, finally have an S.T.I.!”
Planning on a career as a preschool teacher or one day running your own daycare? Look no further that the Freshman Early Childhood Education Scholarship to get your started on your path towards making your dreams of taking care of and playing with the leaders of tomorrow a reality. You won’t mind cleaning up exploding diapers and “accidents” as much after you’ve received the a huge amount of F.E.C.E.S. (yes, multiple scholarships can be won by the same applicant and we do deliver them in a slightly warmed stack).
For all students interested in pursuing medical studies in Germany who are also total and complete annoying jerks to all who know them, the family of the preeminent neurologist of the 19th century has created an award just for you — Applied Science Scholar: Hermann Oppenheim Limited Endowment. Yes, this one is hard to win, but you will be glad you did when you are officially certified an A.S.S.H.O.L.E.