Do you ever sit in a public place, minding your own business, only to be smacked repeatedly in the face by the throngs of attractive people?
Of course you do.
Do you ever wile away the afternoon just gaping at their bronzed skin, immaculate complexion and suspiciously white teeth just wishing that you could be that damn attractive too?
Of course you do.
Do you ever envy their beyond-reproach fashion sense, wonderfully-engaging laugh and annoyingly-perfect posture, just cursing your own shortcomings?
Of course you do.
And, if you are anything like me, friends and loved ones have comforted you saying “not to worry about it” and “it’s what’s on the inside that counts” and “at least you have your health.”
Well, have you had enough?
Want to finally join the legions of attractive beautiful people?
Well, this is your lucky day, because I have compiled 11 extremely easy steps that, if taken, will lead to you becoming much more attractive then you are right now.
Your transformation montage begins here.
Stop being so vain! Sure it makes sense to care a lot about your looks (thank you parental brainwashing!), but where have all of your years of nearly breaking your back trying to look good gotten you aside from being massively in debt, excessively well-moisturized and with a weekly appointment with your money-grubbing chiropractor?
So, start by throwing your vanity out the window! (Not the piece of furniture in your bathroom — lawsuit!) But, seriously, free yourself from the mirror.
Mirrors are only necessary when trying to find hidden messages in the newspaper, writing red-lipstick-passive-aggressive messages to your disgusting roommates and for practicing kissing. Remember that true attractiveness only comes when you give the illusion that you don’t care.
Prepare, prepare, prepare. Last time I checked, there are attractive people everywhere, sort of like brain-eating zombies, only with a wider array of favourite foods.
You must study them.
Around the clock.
Start by putting your cultural anthropologist hat on and locate a group of attractive people in the wild — in my experience they congregate at outdoor patios of popular restaurants, in dental offices and in certain police line-ups. Once you have found them, follow these attractive people around day and night, taking detailed notes on their socialization techniques (check out my new book — Eye-bat Your Way to Happiness), communication methods (verbal, nonverbal and ritualistic grunting), grooming strategies (of themselves, not their ponies, show dogs and Bengal tigers) and mating rituals (purely for research sake or else you are a sicko).
Fill notebook after notebook with every detail you can find about how these beauties maintain their beauty. Leave no stone unturned (figure of speech!), leave no question unanswered, analyze every single aspect of everything about these people up to the point of being discovered and facing jail time.
Self-confidence! The importance of self-confidence can’t be overstated! (I’m on a self-imposed word count, or else it could). When you step out of the house and go out in public, leave your worries at the door and remember that you are amazing, you are incredible and you are literally glowing (if that shipment of industrial strength body sheen you ordered came in on time). Think of yourself as a rare flower, but only if that doesn’t lead to an existential crisis as that is not attractive.
You must walk around town like you own the place, every place, no exceptions. When asked if you indeed own the place, be intentionally vague on the details. You must walk the fine line between confidence (attractive) and arrogance (less attractive depending on the audience). Once you’ve found the sweet spot, feel free to dabble in playful and seductive arrogance just for kicks.
Work on your body! As much as we all wish it was, being horribly out of shape just isn’t attractive by today’s standards (the Ancient Romans had it great). To be attractive on the outside, you must be attractive on the inside first (don’t attempt to look at your insides — in a single word, gross).
Start by adopting a new, healthy diet consisting only of smoothies comprised of whey powder, flax seeds, organic kale and cod liver oil. Now, you can focus on your goal of having chiseled abs that look painted on. This can be achieved in one of two ways: use paint or join a gym and do crunches religiously (religion optional). Note: use of an actual chisel is not suggested! If you go the paint route, I suggest expensive acrylics, as you get what you pay for.
Once amazing abs have been achieved, display them frequently including, but not limited to, hosing off your car on a daily basis even when raining, when you are just too hot (even when it is not hot), and when at work on casual Fridays (every day is casual Friday in your world).
Exotic accent — We all know how hot accents are these days! So, drop everything (unless enjoying a lazy afternoon playing with your collection of rare knives) and develop an enthralling and hard-to-place accent that says “drink me with your eyes” and “speak to me, if you dare”.
But, don’t forget that being overly chatty is distinctly unattractive so, while your accent may have them begging for more and more, you must only speak extremely briefly and monosyllabically all the time.
My secret? Never finish a sentence.
Smile! Nothing lights up the room more than an incredible smile! Especially if someone ‘accidentally’ cut the power to the building and broke all the lightbulbs (again) just in case. Shhhh. Details aren’t important right now, because you are smiling.
You must spend your free time at home practicing your “take no prisoners” smile, so just in case you choose to take prisoners they won’t be suspecting you, due to your disarming smile. And, if your cheek muscles need a break after a full day of excessive smiling (which they will), the occasionally pouty face is attractive as well (especially if you just happen to be dressed like Little Bo Peep, a nun or a mortician).
Appear taller! Tall people (up to a point) are very good looking. There is just something about being long and lean and giraffe-like that is super beautiful. To this end, you have to fit your shoes with lifts even if your ankles and knees are constantly sore. Constantly and chronically sore ankles and knees are a small price to pay for being voted “Most Attractive Male and/or Female” by a neighborhood committee that you helped (forced) to form for this sole purpose.
The Company You Keep. In your continued effort to appear taller and, therefore, much more attractive, only hang around with really really short and unattractive people even going as far as hiring a team of them to surround you thus giving you the illusion of height and beauty.
Also suggested is to only be seen in public when on a horse, pogo stick or portable step ladder as well as insisting that others sit or kneel before you whenever possible.
Get elective surgery. Expensive? Yes. Controversial? Sure. Potentially dangerous and repulsive to your friends and family? Definitely. But I would argue that if something isn’t expensive, controversial and potentially dangerous and repulsive, it isn’t worth doing (or writing about). And no one ever said that beauty was cheap (or did they?).
And yes, I can hear you all saying in loud voices in perfect unison (did you get together to practice?) that this is a horrible, horrible idea that I should be deeply embarrassed and ashamed to have brought up, to which I say “jealous much?” as I fan my new amazing self while being fed peeled grapes while sitting on an oyster shell that I have raised on the pedestal I bought.
Dress For Success! Start by throwing away and/or burning all of your existing clothes that were only making you look like a regular human. Take a moment and wave goodbye to your old life, before going shopping! Listen carefully — in your new role as A Hottie, you must wear nothing but clothing with vertical stripes (don’t wear nothing unless your body is also covered with vertical stripes).
Where lots of people have discovered the wonders of vertical stripes, I take this to a whole new level by also insisting that EVERYTHING around me be decorated with horizontal stripes thus creating a really cool visual effect that results in you seeming comically tall (think trick mirrors at the funhouse). Being comically tall was always my dream as a young boy which is why my parents wrote their will in pencil.
Finally…if all else fails, grow your hair long, don some sunglasses, situate yourself atop a nearby hill and purchase a portable wind machine. Now pose.
You’re welcome, world.