20 Things No Guy Should Ever Say Out Loud To Anyone. Ever.

Are you are a guy?

Hey! Me too!

Chances are that for close to 50% of you that you are as well.

Do you ever find yourself with a free evening and you just can’t wait to drop everything and be around other guys? Don’t worry, it’s normal. If you are like most men you crave the proximity to other men for the chance to drop your guard and totally relax. No offense women, you’ve got us a little on edge.

When these evenings occur, do you sometimes struggle with knowing what is cool to talk about and what just won’t play well. Do you want to speak your mind, but worry about how the others will react?

Well, with no further ado, here is my handy list of all of the things you should not say, unless you are like me and you just say them anyways because the guys I’m usually out with are either action figures, carved whole watermelons or stick figures.

If you are trying to fit in and be one of the guys, do not say…

1. Let’s all grow matching moustaches!

2. I had a dream last night that we were all cute little bunny rabbits.

3. Sometimes when I’m by myself I pretend that I’m a sexy robot. Makes cleaning the toilet infinitely more enjoyable.

4. Have you ever gone out and bought a big barrel of apples and then returned home and just sat there peeling apple after apple after apple and occasionally cutting yourself but not caring as you just feel so alive?

5. Who’s got da funk? No really, who has it? Was it my turn?

6. Do you ever stop to wonder where bark comes from?

7. Is it just me or does anyone else want to literally cover themselves with melted cheese right now?

8. My blender hates, and I repeat, hates my microwave, but I don’t let that get in the way of a great evening for the three of us together.

9. Have you ever wished you could instantly gain 100 lbs all in your right leg?

10. On Thursday evenings I take out all of my shirts, lay them on my bed, stuff them with socks and assign them names and act out scenes from popular movies.

11. I like to run in the woods imagining that I am being chased by wolves only to slowly realize that I am also a wolf. Then I realize we are all just wearing realistic wolf outfits and they just want to sell me insurance.

12. Oh my god, the napkins here are crazy soft against my cheeks! I could just rub them against my face forever!

13. Don’t take this the wrong way, because I really value our friendship, but if you mess with me, I will be forced to eat tray after tray of brownies and then not only write down my feelings about you and how you’ve hurt me in my diary but also to go through hours of therapy trying to sort through my issues of trust and betrayal and I can only hope to get to the point where I can value a friendship again. Nachos anyone?

14. I love sitting by the fire with a good book and losing myself in the story. Literally. For days.

15. Rain makes me wet. The wind playfully blows my hair. The sun warms me. Snow covers the world with a white blanket. And all the while I just stand there singing show tunes in my head off-key.

16. Yesterday I got my pay cheque and I ran to the bank to get money and then, as quick as I could, I raced to the store and finally bought myself a yellow shirt! Yes!

17. The more I think about it, the more I wish I was all thumbs, or at least more thumbs.

18. I made each of you a friendship bracelet out of dandelions.

19. You guys remember our grade 7 teacher Ms. Harvey? Man, did I have a crush on her! Easily the hottest 65-going-on-90 female teacher in the school. Damn!

20. The one thing I would never do is sell government secrets to the enemies unless the enemies ask really nicely and have worded their request well. What can I say? I’m nothing if not a sucker for good manners and proper grammar.