Hey, Baby Tommy: It’s me, Adult Tommy, writing you a letter from the future.
For starters, congratulations on being born—no small accomplishment.From what I remember, you really stuck the landing!
How I’m contacting you, 46 years from now, isn’t important (and it would be difficult to explain to a baby, even one as clearly bright as you are). But why am I writing to you at this point in your life? And aren’t I worried about all of that time-travel-upsetting-the-future-and-destroying-life-as-we-know-it stuff? No, I’m really not. Not really.
There are just some key messages I need to pass along to Baby Tommy, regardless of the cost (around $1.15). Follow these pointers, kid, and your baby years will be your best years:
1. Drink lots—and lots—of breast milk. Damn, that stuff is sooo good (you’ll understand that soon enough)! It’s got everything you want in a drink — it’s warm, sweet, milky… need I go on? Your mother’s milk is totally on point and nothing will ever taste as good except for a glass of heavily spiked eggnog.
2. There is no rush to learn how to walk. Why walk around like a loser when someone will carry you or push you at no extra charge? Walking is alright and all, but as soon as you start, you can’t go back to crawling or else you’ll be seeing specialists and doctors ‘til you’re 20.
3. Enjoy being bathed. Sure, the water seems scary at first and getting your hair washed without your written consent should be against the law. But, take it from me you will grow to love being wet. It’s awesome.
4. Parents insist on repeating themselves. All parents do. They go on and on and on, and repeat, repeat, repeat. It’s exhausting! But, relax, you don’t need to be concerned about the collective IQ of your parents, they are normal in the loosest definition of the term.
5. Cry your heart out. Ahhhh, crying — the fastest way to get whatever you want right now. Sure, at some point you will be asked to “use your words” or “stop begging”, but not yet. At your age, you can cry as much as you want and no one thinks you are a wimp or a crybaby or “overly sensitive for a 46-year-old”.
6. Don’t put everything in your mouth. Yes, you are curious about the world around you. And, yes, you want to taste it all, from toys to clothes to kitty litter, but I can’t emphasize this enough — the totally hot girl babies don’t find that stuff cute.
7. Sleep as much as you can. Being awake is great at all, but you have the rest of your life to be awake. So, sleep when you are in the mood and don’t mind your parents as they whine and complain as they are so sleep-deprived they aren’t of their right mind.
8. Wearing diapers sucks! Learning how to use a potty is hard, disgusting work. But, having ‘accidents’ is the lowest of the low and crawling around wrapped up in your own poop is exactly as much fun as it sounds (believe me). End of story.
9. Being difficult to feed is high comedy! At some point, your father will attempt to feed you pureed solid food. Don’t worry, he still loves you. And as much as you will enjoying being intentionally difficult, you must eat to wrest control of the household from him eventually.
10. Being naked is the best. Wearing clothes is totally overrated. This stance is easier to sell at your age and significantly less easy when surrounded by the police downtown, so enjoy the breeze!
That’s all for now, Baby Tommy.
All the best and I’ll be in touch,