A Christmas Sex Toy Guide For Straight Girls And Bottoms And Versatile Guys (NSFW)

Last week, I explored the perfect male sex toys to buy yourself (or your boyfriend, spouse, or fuck buddy) for when you go home for the holidays. The guide failed to address sex toys for girls and bottoms who want to get off when they’re dealing with relatives, so this week I’m exploring the best dildos, anal beads, and robots for the cock lovers in your life. Whether you’re looking for a tiny toy to sneak into grandma’s house or an expensive dildo to show your lover how much you care, I’ve got you covered.

RON JEREMY DILDO

Today Ron Jeremy looks like a television repairman, but in the 20th century he became an icon for his enormous penis. Unlike many forgotten porn stars from the pre-XTube years, he has stayed relevant thanks to VH1 and reality TV. People see him as a camp act, but he’s still packing what made him famous: his allegedly 9.75 inches long dick. He may look like a creepy uncle, but you don’t have to think about his face when you ride this dildo reflecting Jeremy’s legendary length and girth. You can even pretend Jeremy is movie star look-alike James Deen!

JAMES DEEN REALISTIC COCK

Alternatively, you could visit AdamAndEve.com and buy a Deen dilo. Where Ron’s face looks like a droopy, hairy ball sack, James resembles a greek god. But based off this dildo, Deen’s package resembles an ugly dick I sucked earlier this year. Having experienced touching unpretty cocks, I would recommend putting Jeremy’s peen in your bumhole instead. (I know that’s what I’ll be doing this Christmas Eve.) But if you or your loved ones idolize Deen’s sexuality, or aren’t picky about what dicks look like and worry more about size, buy them this dildo. It’ll make yours or their fantasies come true.

INCOGNITO LIPSTICK VIBE VIBRATOR

Sneaking nine inch cocks through security, of course, can be a mess. Thanks to government regulations, strangers will search through you or your lover’s bag and inevitably realize you or your lover are traveling to grandma’s house in Wisconsin with plastic peens in your Kipling bookbags. This incognito lipstick vibrator can solve these problems if you’re concerned about obese TSA dudes discovering the toys. The vibrator looks like a tiny lipstick you can buy at CVS, and there’s only a small possibility TSA will realize you’re packing a sex toy instead of Revlon.

Orino Sex ROBO Sex Machine

If you or your loved ones are driving in a big car over the holidays to grandma’s house, bring the Orino Sex ROBO Sex Machine. The large robotic-like toy allows you to recreate sex without the part where you hold someone’s hair as they drool into your mouth. The huge device can be used with “beds, chairs, props, or the floor,” and it’s penis-shaped component pumps 0 to 130 pumps per minute, creating some of the longest, most powerful sex I’ve ever heard of.

NASSTOYS JUMBO THAI ANAL BEADS

If you belong to a more traditional kink community, buy these anal toys. If you’re gifting them, you could put them in a candy bag and surprise your lover with Jumbo Thai Anal Beads. They only sort-of resemble sex toys, so when grandma finds them, lie and tell her it’s jewelry. She was probably born in the 30s. She’ll never know.

24-KARET GOLD INEZ

According to rumors, Beyonce allegedly uses a 24-Karat Gold INEZ vibrator that comes with Gold Ben Wa Balls. Produced by LELO, the vibrator costs $15,000. I’m of the belief that masturbation should cost you very little, but if you want to show off in your hometown (if you show off your vibrators, that is) how much money you can spend to get off, of if you want to show a lover how much you care about their sex lives, this is the toy to buy.

RABBIT

And, of course, for the traditionalists out there, there’s always the Rabbit vibrator, the classic you’ve been purchasing at your mall’s Spencer’s since you were 18. As cinema fans know, you can never go wrong with a classic. Somethings never stop feeling good when you touch yourself.

Happy Holidays and Even Happier Masturbating!