Do your dreams feel impossibly out of reach? Do you know exactly what you want, but find endless obstacles in your way?
I have the solution to all your problems: magic.
What are you waiting for? Cast the following spells and transform your disappointments into the life you deserve*.
Eliminate all anxiety and fear
1. Steal a small dog from someone you know well – a former sexual partner is desirable.
2. Shave the dog’s hair off.
3. Attach its hair to your face, forming a beard of dog hair. Ensure the hair is well secured.
4. Go to your local bar, approach the most attractive member of staff and repeat the following eight times: ‘Praise Beelzebub.’ Order a craft beer.
5. Do this for eight days in a row.
6. After three months of the beard, remove the hair from your face and return the pet to its owner.
If you follow this process precisely, you should feel all anxiety and fear fall from you as the dog’s hair did when you shaved it all off the dog.
Take full responsibility for your life
1. Rise at dawn every day for two weeks. (Do not urinate until 11 am.)
2. On the fifteen morning, draw a pentagram on your forehead and repeat the following into a mirror: ‘I solemnly swear to serve Great Beelzebub for today and forever, honestly.’
3. Stack all your possessions into a huge pile in a clearing in a forest of evergreens. If challenged by friends/family, claim it’s ‘just something I’ve got to do’.
4. Burn your possessions at midnight of the Sabbath, whilst dancing around the fire (naked) and chanting the lyrics to your favourite 1990s alternative rock song.
5. Return home.
You will wake the next day feeling a transcendental calm, wearing a shining crown of responsibility, and with less stuff to clutter your studio apartment.
1. Steal an item of your line manager’s clothing. (If struggling to find the opportunity, spill coffee on your line manager, then offer to dry-clean the clothing.)
2. Print out all emails you’ve received in the last six months with the word ‘targets’ in the subject header.
3. Draw a pentagram on the floor of the staff bathroom. In its centre, place a recycling bin and burn the clothing and the emails, while repeating the following spell once for every year you’ve been passed over for promotion: ‘stegrat kcuf, reganam eht kcuf’.
4. Don’t get caught casting the spell.
5. Secrete the resultant ash in a further set of clothing that your manager has worn. This must be done at midnight on a national holiday.
6. Inform colleagues that you will only respond to the name ‘The Great One’ from now on. Ask IT services to change your email address, as appropriate.
7. Position your desk/workstation to face north-east and change your laptop backdrop to an image of an upside-down church.
8. Speak in tongues for thirty seconds at the end of every departmental meeting for a month.
This spell, although potent, may take at least 12 months to work its magic. If conjured incorrectly, it might also lead to dismissal. Be warned.
Turn your unsuccessful journal ramblings into viral articles
1. Steal a bone from an author you admire, preferably one who’s alive.
2. Buy some liver from an artisanal butcher.
3. Break into a local library at midnight, bringing the bone and the liver.
4. Find a copy of the first Harry Potter novel.
5. Remove your clothes and smear your naked body in the chopped liver.
6. With the bone in your mouth, read the first chapter of Potter in a high-pitched German accent.
7. Return home and, without showering, post a blog which includes the following words in the following order:
‘Dogs, nasal cavity, onion bleeder, sex-pest, New Adventures in Hi-Fi, sausages.’
(The words must be hidden in a longer piece of prose. If you merely post the list, the spell will lose its potency.)
8. Post the blog at a time statistically proven to attract a large audience.
9. Watch the post go viral, catapulting you into the literary stratosphere.
This simple spell will ensure 100% instant authorial success, providing fantastic material for conversations at dinner parties.
Win the heart of the hot commuter you’ve stared at every morning for the last two years but with whom you have yet to speak.
1. Create a small doll of your crush. This must be created as accurately as possible. It must be a recognisable image of the desired one.
2. Attach the doll to a necklace. Wear this necklace during your morning commute.
3. Catch the eye of the hot commuter and recite the following spell:
Through the power of this magic doll,
From the Beelzebub’s boudoir, your heart I call,
I compel you: love me, it ain’t no crime.
Would you like to grab a coffee sometime?
The subject of your conjuring should instantly be entranced by your spell and immediately agree to grabbing a coffee. If he/she doesn’t, the fault lies in your spell-making. Check your doll – ensure it is both recognisably of the crush and that you are wearing it obviously enough.
Have the body you want.
1. Take an image of your naked body.
2. Using Photoshop, increase/decrease those parts of your body that have prevented you attaining the sorts of relationships even losers from school have appeared to manage.
3. Print out ten copies of this image and increase to banner size. You made need to contact a professional printer to facilitate this.
4. During a night where the moon is full, secure these banners to sites that have significance to you: your place of work, your ex’s apartment building, your parents’ house.
5. Return home and recite the following spell:
God, you’ve damned me with a tiny penis
Or maybe breasts that I find heinous
Know well that this request ain’t spurious
Make the change or I’ll be furious.
6. Awake to the body you’ve always wanted. (And, if possible, remove the banners before anyone else sees them.)
I assume no responsibility, be it moral, financial, or criminal, for any undesirable situation that arises from conjuring the above spells. These spells, at time of writing, have a 100% success rate. If they’re not working for you, you’re not doing them right.