I had the controller in my hand and was tapping the A-button over and over.
Seth Cohen sailed his boat along the California coast.
I’d been playing Grand Theft Auto: The OC for a few hours now.
Hope for our Adam Brody character seemed almost spent.
I had been really excited when they announced the game.
The trailer was everything I had hoped for.
“WELCOME TO THE OC BITCH!” was the tagline.
In the trailer Marissa Cooper was shown drunk driving around town.
In the trailer Ryan Atwood was shown punching rich kid after rich kid.
But in the game you play as Seth.
I was not expecting to play as Seth.
In previous Grand Theft Auto games you usually played as some sort of tough gangster who was more or less physically fit.
In Grand Theft Auto: The OC you play as Seth Cohen who has no muscles and can’t run for more than a few feet.
You spend a lot of the game having him draw superheroes, but unfortunately the developers game him no such powers.
You’d think they’d at least give him a skateboard.
You’d think maybe they would have decided Ryan woud be the better choice for a Grand Theft Auto game set in The OC.
Ryan could have ran around Chino causing all sorts of explosive havoc.
Maybe Seth would have been better as a Tony Hawk Pro Skater character.
But I suppose I should be grateful for whatever OC thing I am given.
So I continue sailing around the California coast as Seth Cohen.
Unlike the previous games you aren’t given any sort of weapon to start with.
They equipped Seth with Captain Oats, his toy horse, but you can’t rob anybody or steal any motorcycles with Captain Oats.
You can try but then Seth quickly apologizes a hundred times in less than five seconds and whoever you were trying to commit a crime against speeds away.
I found a gun at one point but as soon as Seth picked it up the character freaked out and turned it in to a nearby police officer.
This really isn’t how a Grand Theft Auto game is supposed to go and to be honest I’m getting a bit frustrated.
You’re supposed to blow up cop cars with rocket launchers and punch money out of rich people.
I suppose that wasn’t really necessary in this version because Seth was given unlimited money to start with but I still wanted to be able to do something besides sail around all day.
But just as all hope for the inventor of Chrismukkah was lost, everything changed as I saw something beautiful in the distance.
I tapped the A button more excitedly and the ship sailed a bit faster.
I began to sing The OC theme song but quickly built to a shout.
California here we come,
Right back where we started from,
CALIFORNIAAA HERE WE COMEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
I stopped tapping and the ship slowed to a halt.
From Seth’s boat I could peer over the edge and see Sandy Cohen surfing like a pro while somehow miraculously holding an extra surfboard.
A cutscene started.
“Hey son, want to catch some waves before we go back home to eat bagels?”
“Ok Dad, let me just turn off my Death Cab For Cutie cd.”
The cutscene ended.
I hit the B button and jumped over the side of the ship to join Sandy Cohen.
I hit the Y button and jumped on Sandy Cohen’s extra surfboard.
This was a dream come true.
As Seth jumped on his board again his dad said…
“The sooner we surf to shore, the sooner we can get some of those bagels.”
I tapped the A button as fast as I could to keep up with Sandy’s immaculate wave-riding as we made our way back to the beach.
This was happiness like nothing I’d ever experienced before.
Maybe a Grand Theft Auto revolving around bagels instead of blood wasn’t so boring after all.