Hey Kanye & Kim,
I’m a 21-year-old who has a lot to say and figured you could benefit from my advice for this momentous moment. I was going to write you a whole letter of insightful tips but now am sticking to a simple list as I’m already an hour late to meet my friend for a Miller High Life toast to your new baby high life. Anyway, if any of these help, certainly feel free to name the baby after me.
1. Twitter. Make sure you post pictures of the baby on Twitter because those thousands of retweets are going to help the baby’s self-esteem early on. Kanye, you’re not going to want a baby that isn’t confident in itself. We’d all start to think it wasn’t yours if Kanye Jr. was too humble.
2. Time. Make sure you make time for the new baby. I know you’re busy but I’ve seen enough Teen Mom to know you probably won’t have the time for Ke$ha concerts anymore.
3. Diapers. I’ve heard you’re going to need those. I think you can get them on Amazon but I’d double check.
4. Blue Ivy. Kids need role models. Blue Ivy is my role model and since I’m pretty happy with how I’ve turned out I figured I’d recommend her wisdom to you as well. Blue Ivy and your new kid could even resurrect MTV’s Cribs together.
5. Watch the Car Seat (in a Toyota Sienna). Thrones aren’t practical and can be dangerous. Have you ever seen that show Game of Thrones? I consider myself kind of a nerd and feel like nobody has ever seen it but me, sort of like Lord of the Rings and Star Wars. Regardless, that show makes it pretty clear that thrones aren’t a game. I know you’ll hate it but the Toyota Sienna gets great ratings in Consumer Report I think.
6. Music. I’ve heard that playing music for babies can make them smarter. Kanye you can play your own music but I’d also suggest playing some Fleet Foxes. Babies love foxes and their “baby-ness” is fleeting due to the inevitable crawl to death all humans must suffer through. So they’re perfect.
7. New clique. Your family is your new clique. Don’t runaway. From now on sing, “Ain’t nobody fucking with my kid.” I expect royalties for the rewrite.
8. Patience. I’m pretty sure your baby isn’t going to be able to talk or walk or use Tumblr for a while. Be patient with your baby. Speaking of patience this is getting hard. I’m not used to writing more than 140 characters and it feels like I’ve been writing for soooooo long. But I’ll press on as a promise is a promise. Did I already say Twitter? Looks like I did, see step 1.
9. Baby Formula. Unfortunately babies can’t have pizza or ice cream and must keep a special diet. Make sure to buy a ton of formula because a formula a day keeps the baby doctor away. Don’t hold me to that one but I think, from my own experience/novels I’ve read, what I’m saying is more or less true in a way.
10. Miller High Life. This one’s finally for me. It’s time to go celebrate giving you such great advice. I’d wish you luck but with my millennial/greatest generation help I’m sure you won’t need luck anymore. If worse comes to worse with the new baby, just Google how to fix it.