Wedding toasts can be the greatest or the worst part of a wedding. Everyone has been to a wedding where a speech has led to a lot of heavy sighs and palms going to lowered foreheads. With wedding season in full swing, I thought I’d write a list of the types of people you’ll see give wedding speeches. Keep an eye out for these characters.
1. Inside Joke Janet
Inside Joke Janet is like that person at the office who only quotes movie lines, but instead of quoting things people are familiar with, she only quotes lines that she and the bride will find funny. I’m sure that time you guys got tacos twice in one day and referred to yourselves as the Taco Titans the rest of your weekend trip in Miami was hilarious to you, but no one else has a clue what you’re talking about.
2. Bring Up The Exes Evan
Bring Up The Exes Evan uncomfortably brings up past relationships immediately after the event that just featured two people signing a legally binding agreement to remain in a relationship. Sure it may feel like an innocent line when he says, “Ryan used to be a bit of a ladies man until Bethany came around.” In reality, he’s basically saying that Ryan used to pork a bunch of dames until Bethany made him stop having so much sex with so many strangers.
3. Over-Poured Paul
Over-Poured Paul has had so many beers that he can’t even form a sentence, let alone an entire speech.
4. Bad Analogy Ann
Bad Analogy Ann tries to use an analogy to describe the strength of the couple’s relationship, but either fails miserably or bores the audience to death in the process. Bad Analogy Ann uses terrible clichés saying things like, “Marriage is not a sprint; it’s a marathon.” What she’s saying isn’t totally wrong; it’s just boring as all hell. Bad Analogy Ann is like being in a living, breathing girl’s college dorm room, always telling you to “Live, Laugh, Love.”
5. Bragging Brad
Bragging Brad manages to find a way to talk about himself more than the bride and groom on their wedding day. Get ready for a trip down Brad’s skewed memory lane where he tells you all about the time he was the one responsible for the state title. Brad will finish stories saying things like, “The groom was good, but everyone knows I’m the reason we won state.” He may chuckle a bit after that line trying to make it sound sarcastic, but deep down he feels like he really was the reason they won state. In his own narcissistic mind, he probably feels like he also deserves the bride.
6. You Just Had To Be There Tara
You Just Had To Be There Tara will tell everyone a long drawn out story about the time her and the bride did something marginally mischievous back in high school. The whole story could be over in about two sentences, but between the unnecessary elaborate details and the giggles from Tara explaining the story, you’ll have an audience more interested in the table centerpieces than this speech. She’ll clear up the awkward silence at the end of the terrible story by saying, “I guess you just had to be there.”
7. Crying Carol
Crying Carol loves to kill the mood by bringing up a sad story that makes her and many people in the audience cry on what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of the couple’s life. Crying Carol: All bummer, no joy.
8. Spring Break Steve
Spring Break Steve brings up the most embarrassing thing the groom has ever done in front of all of his closest family and friends. Much like You Just Had To Be There Tara, Steve spares no details in his stories. These stories will feature lines like this, “I’ll never forget the time when we were down in Tijuana for spring break and Mike got on stage with these overweight strippers. They poured cans of tuna and marinara sauce all over themselves and referred to themselves as the Seafood Hot Pockets. He then proceeded to wash them down with a garden hose and some used car shammies. It was wild.” Keep an eye out for his evil twin: Bachelorette Party Becky.
9. Racist Dan
He’s not super racist. He’s just racist enough to make a few comments that will make everyone in the room a bit uncomfortable, even if his audience members were to mainly consist of NASCAR season ticket holders.
10. Nailed It Neil
Nailed It Neil delivers several punchlines while still sounding sentimental. Nailed It Neil crushes the speech, and in doing so earns some bonus points with the bridesmaids. Everyone should strive to be like Nailed It Neil.
So keep your eyes peeled for these characters this wedding season, and if you’re the one giving the speech, don’t be a Janet. Be a Neil.