5 Cheesy Christmas Movies That Need To Be Made In 2016

Inside Amy Schumer
Inside Amy Schumer

About a month ago, Hallmark announced that they would be premiering 17 new movies this year for their Christmas countdown. With all of these new holiday movies being made, I thought it’d be fun to pitch a few Christmas movies that I’d like to see next year. Here are some Christmas movies that need to be made in time for Christmas 2016.

1. Starbucks Presents: The Christmas Cup Conundrum

After 2015’s internet outrage over Starbucks’ plain red cups not being Christmassy enough, Starbucks will be getting into the Christmas movie game. This movie will essentially be an hour and a half commercial for Starbucks and will take place entirely within a Starbucks. The movie will feature a frazzled Starbucks employee (Amy Schumer) trying to please everyone with a new cup design for 2016.

She starts out by having two separate cups; one for Christians and one for everyone else. Along the way she realizes that the idea of everyone being separate but equal is what led to many racial segregation laws in the past, and realizes that we are better off being unified. She decides to make cups that feature a snowman with a thought bubble saying, “You are special.” This allows all of the people who want to drink coffee to have containers that hold liquid all while still allowing the narcissists on both sides of the debate to feel special.

2. Christmas Cruise

Christmas Cruise features a single mother on a cruise ship (Salma Hayek) who always ends up working the Christmas shift out of the kindness of her heart, covering for fellow employees. Her kindness has caused her to miss several Christmases with her own family as she always puts fellow coworkers and friends in front of herself. However, her fate changes when her kindness to an unknowingly wealthy guest on the cruise ship (Nicolas Cage) leads to a series of flirty get-togethers.

Cage poses as a low income passenger switching rooms with a coach passenger (Steve Zahn) to see if he can trust her motives. The two begin to fall in love, and there’s a conflict when Cage confesses who he really is. With some coaxing, Hayek’s character eventually forgives him and later that night Cage’s character surprises her with an act of kindness himself. Cage’s character gives her the ultimate Christmas gift when he flies her entire family onto the cruise ship using his private helicopter.

3. The Gift of Christmas Presence

A long-haired hippie (Jason Segel) runs into a corporate fat cat (Alec Baldwin) while attending a gift wrapping training seminar that Baldwin’s wife (Susan Sarandon) is leading. Segel’s character takes the class in order to properly wrap the one gift he is able to afford his kid for Christmas, while Baldwin’s character is only there because he’s meeting his wife after the class. The two create an unlikely friendship where Baldwin’s character learns that Christmas isn’t about giving out presents, it’s about being present. Baldwin has a moment of realization where he leaves a meeting scheduled for Christmas day to be with his family, all the while running down the snow covered streets laughing and yelling, “Merry Christmas everyone! Ha ha! Enjoy your presence with your families!”

4. A Christmas Concert Reunion

Everyone is on their way home for Christmas in a small town when two single people get into a fender bender on a rural country road. Anna Kendrick plays a single woman who’s been living in New York City for nearly ten years pursuing a career as a singer/actress, and is back in her small town in South Dakota to spend Christmas with her family. The main guy from Pitch Perfect (Skylar Astin) has also been living in New York City where he’s been unsatisfyingly climbing up the corporate ladder at an office job he hates.

After the crash, they start reminiscing about their high school days when they used to star in the school’s Christmas concerts each year. After getting guilt tripped by Kendrick’s kooky grandmother (Betty White), they reluctantly end up performing one of their old hits at a local church. White’s character frequently embarrasses the two of them throughout the film saying things like “I always thought you two should have dated.” Unbeknownst to the two singing, a middle schooler films their performance at the church and uploads it to YouTube. The video goes viral and when they land back in NYC they find several messages on their phones from agents begging to represent them.

Astin’s character is finally able to tell off his scrooge of a boss and quits his job to pursue a musical career and romantic life with Kendrick’s character. The movie will premiere alongside a Christmas soundtrack featuring the stars of the film and will be highlighted by a Kendrick-Astin duet of “Baby It’s Cold Outside.

5. The Mall Santa Miracle

A struggling freelance writer (played by Aziz Ansari) is about to give up on his dreams of becoming a full-time writer when a local newspaper offers him the opportunity to write a story about a local mall Santa. Until this opportunity, he had spent most of his time writing for fitness websites that he didn’t have much of an interest in. Writing for them stifled his creativity, so he would write a personalized children’s book for his niece and nephew each Christmas as a creative outlet. Aziz’s character isn’t thrilled about the mall Santa assignment at first, but he soon learns just how much this mall Santa has given back to the community. Through the course of a week or so he really gets to know the real mall Santa.

His article gets published on Christmas Eve and explains the financial and family hardships suffered by the man behind the red coat. His article features lines like, “He’s got his list, and he’s checking it twice, but it’s a grocery list he’s checking twice because he doesn’t want the kids at the shelter to miss out on a meal.” His article has such an impact on everyone in the community that a ton of people show up on Christmas day at the shelter to thank this long time mall Santa for everything he has done. The owner of the mall also shows up with a large oversized check to present to the now speechless mall Santa. Aziz’s character is offered a full time job at the newspaper, but he turns it down realizing that his true calling is writing Christmas books for children. TC mark

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