Age 25: An age that splits your twenties straight down the middle. Some of your friends might be married with children. Others will be single with no prospects, or already divorced. Some may be well into their respective careers, while others may just be finishing grad school. I recently turned 26, and while I was being 25 I learned a few things. Here they are:
1. Waking up is the one thing you practice your whole life, but never really get good at.
2. You can tell how much someone values their life by watching how quickly or slowly they cross the street after they see a car coming.
3. If you’re ever feeling down just look at yourself in the mirror, smirk, and give yourself a wink.
4. A Fast and Furious movie can bring tears to my eyes.
5. Space is essentially nothing, but without nothing, nothing could exist.
6. I just want to find a girl that I can burn an entire afternoon with watching Cops.
7. So much joy could be had by all if we just replaced handshakes with high-fives.
8. I think I’d be a great landlord. You just collect money and say things like, “Yeah I’ll try to get somebody in there to get that fixed.”
9. Your 20s consists of doing something for a living to live while still trying to accomplish what you really want to do for a living.
10. A self-checkout becomes a checkout if you buy booze.
11. The top cover of the toilet seat is only used when women are waiting to find out if they’re pregnant.
12. They say “strangers are just friends you haven’t met yet.” I would argue that most strangers are just boring people you’ve managed to avoid so far.
13. There are few things funnier than seeing a grown man dead sprinting in public for no apparent reason.
14. It’s sad that grandmas and grandpas never get to be in Facebook profile pictures until they’re already dead.
15. 99% of life is telling yourself “you just gotta do it.”
16. The key to a good salad is having more ingredients than salad in the salad.
17. When a couple buys a dog they are essentially buying a living engagement ring.
18. It’s crazy how uninteresting most people are.
19. Free range chickens are the vegans of chickens.
20. The biggest fear in life should be looking back at a time in your life you should have been enjoying and realizing you weren’t enjoying it.
21. Co-workers are a giant influence on how much you enjoy your job. After getting a job, your employer should allow you to interview your co-workers.
22. Everyone is outraged about everything, but no one actually cares.
23. Sometimes staying in on a Friday night is exactly what you want to do.
24. Embrace the absurdity. Smile at the nonsense. Life is too short to try and make sense of everything.