An Open Letter To My Almost Everything

Noah Buscher / Unsplash

I’m at the point of my life where I am not certain if I can still get over you. I’m not certain if I can still move on, if I can take a step forward to start anew. To start my life. To let my life begin.

I’m at the point of my life where I’m still wondering how great or terrible your day was, how’s your company, your professor, how’s your mind, how much time you spent thinking over things that are unthinkable, but most of all I’m wondering how’s your heart.

To the point that I’m still me when I’m with you but you are no longer you when you’re with me. Me and you, and now it’s only me. The you that was me and me that was you. The you and I that was “one” but now we turned to “once there was me and you.” A “one” became “once.”

I’m still the me who spends sleepless nights waiting for your goodnight, still wasting my time thinking about you when you don’t even think about me.

Do you still think of me? Do you still miss me? Do you miss being mine and having that great time of ours?

Making memories we promised we will never ever forget, but now is forgotten.

Those good times in which I got a tight grip, but making me lose, because you want to be lost.

I am lost until you found me. I’m found and now being lost. Lost again. Lost in everything. Lost in shadows. Lost in the night. Lost in the dark. Lost in the fight I didn’t want to get in. Lost in the way I can’t figure out how I lost.

Up until now, I keep asking myself, “Am I not enough?” You lost the love I saved, you became the reason why my heart is now digging up for answers without questions and questions that will never be answered. You became that star I keep looking for even when its light. You became that one thing I’m always looking for. Maybe it’s some sort of adjustment because I became used to it.

No worries, I can forget everything about it.

I wish I can still give my best but the doorway is now open for me, to step on the outside, to step further, to step away, to walk away.

Far from you.

But let me tell you this, even if it’s full of somewhat, you were one of the best things that happen in my entire life.

Thank you for letting me lose myself in your arms that I got my own arms wrapped around me for myself and not depending my happiness on someone else.

Thank you for letting you lose your grip that I felt the freedom I’m longing to feel; without restrictions, with my passions and with my own world.

Thank you for letting me feel the feelings for the first time. For letting me feel how jealousy really felt; for letting me feel insecure, which is why I’m better now; for letting me feel alone so that I don’t need anybody else, even you, to stand up for myself. For letting me feel sad that I know how it feels to be really happy; for letting me feel the longingness so that the excitement of seeing you will never fade; for letting me realize that prayer works for the both of us, that it became the last power I have.

That I pray that we will be apart; that it’ll break us apart from the things we’ve known and from the world only you and I belong. I hope it’ll break us apart because we hinder the good things to come for each of us. I hope we will be free from ours; from the “once we have dreamed of” to “our greatest nightmare.”

The last thing you ever did to me was to inspire me every single day, and the last thing I want you to know is that you’re still my one inspiration, I don’t know until when.

If it wasn’t for you, I’d be stuck being me who wanted nothing for myself.

If it wasn’t for you, I would never dream to be everything. That I’m still hoping I can do more than everything. That I want to be the best. The one and only. The bestest best.

I want to be the best me.

I want the best me.

And it’s all because of you. TC mark

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