1. You will step in excrement more times than you can count on both hands and you will keep it moving — but you will always question exactly what kind of animal it belonged to. (You’re not above ruling out humans.)
2. Any time you are trying to get anywhere Downtown, you will want to sic a plague on anyone walking too slow or in large groups that think it’s fun to all walk horizontally together.
3. You grow used to one season and one season alone: fall. Sometimes you like to call it autumn to be festive, but just to be safe, have a jacket at all times. Especially when you think you won’t need it.
4. When your Bart train comes and it’s the one with the grey colored seats that should be blue, you will stand for your whole 45 minute commute. Or you will get a disease.
5. There’s a beach in San Francisco? Damn, I didn’t even know. The park is where it’s at on any warm day.
6. You will wait 2 hours for bottomless mimosas on Sunday Funday. You will complain the whole time before, during, and after — and you will do it again every Sunday.
7. You will pay premium rental prices to live side-by-side with homelessness and tragedy. And you will do it simply for that zip code and because for some reason, your high salary wont get you an apartment ANYWHERE.
8. The fun of going to the farmer’s market is not lost on you.
9. You have come to terms with the fact that “Hella” will just never die. When you think it has, it will always come back with a fierce vengeance. It is the herpes of the English language.
10. Techies make up roughly 60% of any given social circle.
11. You always talk about wanting to go to the houses featured on Full House and That’s So Raven but you have never actually been there.
12. You probably haven’t driven a car since you got your license and there is genuine fear whenever the idea of you driving comes up.
13. You were sad when the Clipper card came out because that meant the death of your colorful Fast Pass collection. It was the end of an era.
14. You go the Golden Bridge and always forget how beautiful the city you live in is. You will do it again in approximately 1.72 years.
15. Having pepper spray, a knife, or a tazor gun is totally normal. In fact, if you don’t have one of the above, you are asking for it.
16. The Trader Joe’s opening in Tender Nob changed the whole game.
17. Never wanting or needing to cross any bridge… Why?!? I have no business or desire to be on that side of the bridge unless it involves a concert or ice cream.
18. The Haight/Ashbury revival isn’t going to happen, ever. Just let it go. Please.
19. You were a Castro kid at some point in time, and it birthed your hate of ever going out. But they were the best nights ever and, usually at your lowest points, you kinda miss it.
20. If there’s is a parade or festival of any kind, expect everyone to call in sick.
21. Free Tuesdays every 1st Tuesday of the month at all the museums is your go-to date idea. It’s free and you get to look like you actually go to museums. Good one.
22. San Fran is not a city. Nor is Frisco. Stop it.
23. You have had bedbugs, you have given someone bedbugs and someone has given you bedbugs, and you currently have bed bugs on you. Right now.
24. You will like the Giants or the 49ers or you will act like it out of fear of your own demise.
25. Super Duper Burger. Nothing else needs to be said.
26. If you live in the Tenderloin, you have probably seen someone get shot — but for some reason you are still not scared and you won’t move.
27. Bushman of Fisherman’s Wharf has scared the shit out of you on numerous occasions and his death really hit you.
28. The last time you went on a cable car was never. That line is a show in and of itself.
29. The Sunset feels like a faraway inaccessible land to those who live Downtown, and those who live in the Sunset see Downtown like NYC.
30. You will avoid any neighborhood that will require you to take the 38 Geary bus. You would rather ride a Razor scooter to work than suffer that pain.