In life, you have done things you both should and probably shouldn’t have done. But more than that, there are things you could have done in a heartbeat but chose not to. It’s quite a shame that you might already have what you were looking for; yet still let it slip out of your fingers.
The sadder part of this reality is when you replace the thoughts of those acts for people – the ones you lost, the ones you hurt and the ones you didn’t love. It’s all behind her now but if you were to cross paths again someday, she would show you what you didn’t pursue, the girl who once gave her all to you.
There was a girl who was fascinated with the stars in the sky and the shells by the sea. She screamed colors when she walks into a room but you didn’t like rainbows. An underrated indie film, a firework display you would casually ignore despite the beauty and wonder for your eyes to see. It’s as if everyone else saw the twinkle in her eyes when she talked about her passions, with you blatantly staring right through her like a forgotten ghost. You knew she was great but you yearned for even greater things; browsing through the sea of names on your phone whether it be with her right in front of you or late at night when she was fast asleep – without a clue.
She was damned every time she was with you but she was too pure to even know what she has gotten herself into.
“Why were you so stupid to let her go?” This is the lingering question that most people would’ve thought to say to you when she finally came to her senses and left without a word. I guess you were simply blind but it was unmistakably difficult not to notice the way her cheeks reddened like apples even with the slightest compliments – those you rarely gave her. It only took some time before she realized she deserved more. A daisy in the field of roses who wasn’t like the rest but was breathtaking the way she is. You were oblivious to the way she looked at you because you were always too busy looking at something or someone else.
It all boils down to the way you felt an emptiness you can’t understand ever since you were left to wallow deep in thought all by yourself. No more roars of laughter erupting from such a magnificent soul for every lame joke you would use on every other girl. You missed the way her voice sounded in the morning and how she asked too many questions much to your dismay. It was drinking coffee with too much water, not bitter nor sweet – bland, bereft of taste. Despite both of you being complete opposites, you knew she understood the vulnerable parts you wouldn’t share to the world. More than anything, you knew her like your favorite song, each word and beat and even if you grew tired you would still play it on repeat.
Maybe you love her now that she’s gone. The girl talked about you like the sun in the sky, broke her walls which she hasn’t done for anyone else yet all the while, you gave her fractions of the whole she deserved. It’s far too late for regretful apologies as you browse through her photographs, you see she’s happier with someone else, someone better. It caused your chest to ache a little but a part of you understood it was probably for the best because she was in the arms of a person who gave what you could not.
All you can do is swear that if you were ever to find another someday, you will love her with all your heart and soul – never to let her end up like the girl you didn’t love.