Thought Catalog

5 Reasons I Want To Kick My Social Networking Alter-Ego In The Bollocks

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I am waiting for my social networking alter-ego down a dark alleyway. It’s raining so hard that even the one solitary street light up ahead has absolutely no bearing or influence on this setting. It remains as dark as it was when I first arrived about 2 hours ago. It’s perfect. First I hear his footsteps. I am practically hugging the brick wall of the alleyway to remain hidden, I am soaked right through but I do not care. I have come too far to turn back now. As he gets closer, I begin to make out his words. Faint at first, but before long adequately coherent.

“Look at this article about Dolphin abuse in Japan. This is truly awful, look how I am both thoughtful and up to date with current affairs.”

What is this man saying? I feel my right foot clenching in my rain-soaked shoe. I cannot tell whether the moisture on my forehead is the rain, or the pre-bollocks-kicking sweats.

“Look at my witty comment about an article on Buzzfeed, as if I was the first person to discover it and therefore have more of an understanding and relation to it than you do.”

He is getting closer. Can I really go through with this? Yes I must! This man has had it coming for far too long.

“Look at this photo of me. Look at my face. Look how happy and individual I am. LOOK AT MY FACE!”

BAM! I pounce.

My social networking alter ego stumbles back at first but not enough to reduce the gap between his legs. I swing my right leg like a Primark-accessorized pendulum. My right foot connects with his bollocks with such a sweet sound, like a conker falling from a tree. The man crumples to the floor, crying and rolling around crying in a puddle like a sad, beached Jelly Fish.

It is done. I have tracked down my social networking alter ego and have successfully kicked him in the bollocks…

Here are 5 reasons why I went to all the effort:

1. No one cares

This is an interesting one and I think it boils down to that idea that people are only interested in things that directly benefit them in the present moment. This is particularly true with social networking. You usually find that the things that generate the most interest when posted have some sort of internet-based societal function, whether that be humor, news, history or anything with an element of universal appeal. So, when someone posts that video of the cat in a shark outfit riding a hoover vs. someone who has just posted a photo of them with their significant other looking all happy, there is only going to be one winner in my opinion. The way people expect others to be interested in their personal happiness baffles me, and my social networking alter ego has been guilty of this on many occasions. I do enjoy seeing other people happy, but just not in this format. If I pass you in the street and see your beaming smile, it will affect me. It is almost as if it is accidental and a result of a random beautiful moment shared between us within the boundaries of that two-second period that I walk past you and see that smile…or you are just on smack. Either way, publicly forcing YOUR own PERSONAL happiness can often just make others miserable. Again, especially on social networks because you are forcing it down the throats of people who do not care and also, from a personal perspective, you only help others to highlight the lack of personal fulfillment in their own lives. We are not your family sitting around flicking through the photo album on a cozy Boxing Day. By the time you got around to posting this apparent happiness, it is very likely that you are not directly in that moment anymore, therefore this is called showing off because you are attempting to recycle the experience in order to gain some approval and acknowledgement from others. Again, my social networking alter ego has done this so many times and will probably continue to do so.

So unless that photo of you two kissing on a beach in Thailand is accompanied by a Tsunami (with the cat shark riding it of course) then it is very likely that not many people will be interested. I have been guilty of this sort of thing on so many occasions and I am sorry Timbo, no one gives a fuck.

2. You are not a mysterious, witty and charming Internet comedian.


OH LOOK HOW FUNNY HE IS. NOTEpad MAY SUGGEST HE WRITES THINGS. WOW!


Oooooooo

I feel sick just thinking about these, God. These are all real examples by the way.

It’s this ridiculous belief that I am some sort of Graham Linehan, Ricky Gervais, and Aaron Paul character, who after posting a witty statement, shall be carried out on the shoulders of the Internet community. This is based on so many loneliness, cry-for-help-based insecurities that I have actually lost count. It’s about striving for approval. I myself am an aspiring comedy drama script writer and much like some spunky spawn, my social networking alter ego has latched onto this and constantly acts like a little pug scratching at the door. Only when you click “like” or “retweet” does this door open ever so slightly. However the chain that keeps it forever locked screams, “If you are a writer, fucking prove it, do something worthwhile and stop pretending” so until I do this, my social networking alter ego is forever a fountain, spouting bullshit.

3. I am a creep, I am a weirdo.

OH YOU LIKE RADIOHEAD? – LIKE!

My social networking alter ego is frankly a bit creepy. The real me suffers with an affliction of falling in love with strangers a lot (counted about 7 on the way to work this morning) Personally, I am quite proud of this trait, for a) the funniness of how ridiculous it can sometimes be, and b) I feel it keeps me ticking a bit. This, thankfully, is never echoed or displayed to the love of my lives in question, so it is not really an issue because I cannot physically just go up to girls and talk to them. HOWEVER, my social networking alter ego chooses to do things a bit differently.

You realize after trawling through the tweets and photos of some random beautiful London-based writer that the twitter term “follow” actual begins to feel a bit literal. They are completely unaware to the depth of insight that I have into their lives. So basically, when they tweet something like, “Ah, the Victoria Line is such a nightmare today,” my social networking alter ego is actually sat opposite them, hiding behind a giant newspaper with eye holes cut in place of Cameron’s testicles (attempts of satire will be discussed in point 4) watching…forever watching. The real me would never go this far! Maybe I would actually attempt a smile, but I wouldn’t go so far as finding out where they went on holiday 7 years ago. You see, my social networking alter ego refuses to just say hello. Instead, he usually just watches and will sometimes partake in a slimy retweet. So yeah, beautiful London-based writer, go back to the beach in Thailand with your boyfriend, it is probably safer despite my previously conjured natural disaster.

4. You are not a politically motivated radical.

This one really does make me chuckle at my social networking alter ego. He will skim read an article on the Guardian and then comment on it with some political or attempted satirical vigor. The real me does obviously have some interest in politics, climate change issues and other things. However, I do not consider myself experienced enough in life as a 24-year-old shmuck to have any influence or respect of opinion from others, about ANYTHING. I find this mindset freeing in a way because you do not have the expectation for anyone to respect your opinions; you just have them privately when you watch the news in the morning and laugh at those who think they know about life. My social networking alter ego, on the other hand, just runs away with this shit.

(About Dolphins in Japan):


It feels nice to be involved in things doesn’t it? Part of a movement or something. Swinging on Russell Brand’s chest hairs. There are actually those out there connected with my social networking alter ego who seem to know their shit. Then there are those like myself, who, despite possessing a Philosophy degree, know diddly squiddly bugger all.

5. Just stop going on social networking sites?

This sealed the deal in making me want to kick my social networking alter ego in the nads. The fact that this little twat has only come into existence because I procrastinate so much from writing by staring at fucking Facebook and Twitter all day is pretty much the main issue. A lot of you will probably argue that all the annoying things I have mentioned are exactly what social networking sites are for. Turns out people are actually interested in the lives of others. If you do not want to see photos and couple status updates, then, well, it is quite simple really. DO NOT GO ON SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES. I am well aware that I am the sole creator of this beast, but I do stick by one point regardless. People seem to exaggerate their twattish and boastful side a lot more through this social format than say, when communicating face-to-face in a pub. Personally, I have hidden around 75% of those I am connected with on Facebook. Is this based on bitter, lonely insecurity? The same insecurity that has led you to hide my alter ego’s life updates? Or, are these alter egos in question objectively annoying and self-obsessed? Lab experiments from a new generation of lonely folk? Hmmm.

Maybe I should just accept and befriend my social networking alter ego. That, or maybe I could stop fucking bitching about it.

None of this really matters now anyway as I have saved you all from my social networking alter ego by kicking him in the bollocks. He will be down and out for a while I imagine, but when he does reawaken, remember that the real me will be waiting in that same dark alleyway…wearing a big fuck off clown show. TC mark

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