Love and acceptance have always been struggles within myself. Ever since I was born into this universe knew I was put into a unique position. An only child adopted, overseas it was something I never understood fully until my teenage years. Living in a predominately un-diverse community I knew I never really fit in. I was always “the loner” or “the power pusher” with my small clique of friend’s back home.
Now 7 months later I am all the way in the Bay Area. I’d be lying to myself and to whoever is reading that it has been an easy and smooth transition. I really had no idea why I moved all the way from New Jersey to San Francisco. The only answer that is legitimate is I felt it in my soul and inside my heart. There was only one word I could remember when I had the opportunity and it was the word “GO”. Let go of yourself and give yourself the chance to find yourself, was how I was feeling. Even if I failed I could at least know that I gave it a fucking chance in my life to accept who I am.
I am now at that stage of my life. Accepting myself, loving myself and not being afraid of how I feel.
I want to share my acceptance, love, fear, and feelings now.
I met a beautiful woman who works hard for herself to enjoy the best life possible. I had a crush on her when she first entered in my life. At that time, I was afraid of myself, didn’t love myself, nor could accept myself. When she was told unknowingly to my knowledge that I liked her. She ignored me for a while after that. Excluding me from her life and her presence. Until finally a month later she sent me a message explaining that she didn’t know how to handle the situation. I at that time wasn’t sure what to say being afraid of myself I lied to her and myself and said that wasn’t true.
If there is one thing to take from that. Don’t lie to yourself and to people you care about.
It had made things worse for myself and I became stressed and fearful of myself. I was lost within myself not accepting who I am and how I felt about such a beautiful soul. And in that fear I hurt myself and others. I recently went on a venture to express and accept myself and now I am in the process of loving myself, not being afraid to be afraid and accepting that I am a beautiful person just like you.
I told this person that I loved her. I truly mean it. It has nothing to do with being boyfriend/girlfriend or serious/open relationship. It was a genuine feeling I had in my soul. The times I was in her presence there was some intangible inertia that came within me when I was with her. That I didn’t have to be afraid of who I was around her. That I loved myself when I was her proximity.
I hid away from all those feelings. And in hiding built up anger and rage and said some mean things to her. Regardless that she ignores me or finds it better to neglect me, I was wrong. She may not feel the same way about me and I would never expect her too but I can only hope she can forgive me.
She’s the one who talked to me about having to love and accept myself. And yet now she is the one avoiding me and telling me to avoid her. It’s one of the worst feelings I have and now I am learning not to be afraid to feel it and accept that she may never talk to me ever again but she was the one to have the boldness to talk to me about self-love and acceptance.
It is confusing and I may never know her true feelings towards me or herself but I accept it. I can accept that I do belong in life and that I can contribute to this universe. I wanted to share this because I am afraid of hiding my fears and making the same mistake of hurting someone that I care and love infinitely about.
I struggle with some mental challenges. And if you’re reading this, please accept yourself, love yourself and be afraid. If you are afraid then it’s okay to be, just don’t fight it, share it, work at it, and learn from it. I love who I am, and to this person I am writing too, I Love You.