1. Don’t badmouth yoga. Seriously, if you haven’t tried it, don’t underestimate its difficulty or effectiveness. Bench press all you want, my dude—you’re a strong guy ‘til you hit that eagle pose, I promise.
2. I’ve heard on numerous occasions that women notice excessively unkempt feet or dirty fingernails. At least make it look like you take decent care of yourself, as that often translates to the rest of your hygiene and cleanliness.
3. Never go out expecting and focusing on getting laid. Let’s be real, there are only so many people who, under a particular set of circumstances, would sleep with you that night. Optimism is great, but expecting to get some action will leave you reeking of desperation all night, before you possibly, probably head home disappointed.
4. Slaps, grips, daps, pounds, dead fish and other playful handshakes are for your friends. Firm handshakes joining forces with eye contact are the only acceptable way for grown men to greet and part ways with each other in professional settings.
5. If you swallow and hold your throat’s positioning that way when shaving your Adam’s apple, you won’t be prone to cuts.
6. Put baby powder on your (I spent 15 minutes trying to think of a better term. No dice.) nut sack. This is… Words can’t even explain what this does for the feel and smell of one’s (Again, I apologize) balls.
7. Whenever you’re going to do something ridiculous, like try to spit game at a porn star on Twitter or more drastically, cheat on your girlfriend, try masturbating. As soon as you’re finished, you’ll begin thinking with the right head. Matter of fact, before making any substantial life decisions, fap fap fap it out.
8. If you’re going to compliment a lady on something, try avoiding the chesticles and caboose, instead pointing out things like nice nails or hair.
9. Axe Body Spray is rarely never the answer. You might want to consider rolling with natural B.O. instead. It least sweat has endorphins or whatever, Axe is basically human repellant.
10. Try your hardest to be good with kids. Seriously, if you can lull a baby to sleep or make toddlers laugh, it’s like the opposite of riding a motorcycle, but equally sexy. If you aren’t a natural, putting forth a good effort counts for something.
11. Listen to your significant other’s complaints. Sometimes no advice is wanted, and minimal responses are wanted in return. Just lend your ears.
12. We, as in dudes, should all agree to not talk to each other while peeing at the stall. Unless heavy levels of alcohol have been consumed and loud, random socializing is just happening, you should treat your mouth with the strictly enforced silence of a cell phone in the movies.
13. As macho and masculine as you may want to be, don’t ignore potentially significant health issues because you have levels of boldness that won’t allow you to seek a second opinion. Convincing yourself that everything’s working just fine may keep you out of an ass-exposing gown, but it won’t cure your aches, pains and conditions.
14. Everything, all of our information seems to have been compromised, and women know every last bit of it. Sometimes I wonder if women can read male minds and covertly communicate with each other via telepathy or what have you. It could be true, as a male you can’t disprove this theory.
15. Many women don’t call it “No Shave November,” they title that month “No, seriously, you need to shave November.” Trimmed beards > bird’s nest on face.
16. Contrary to popular belief, being louder doesn’t indicate that you’re winning an argument. Cool TapouT shirt though, fella.
17. Porn is porn and it is not real life sex. Don’t try skipping foreplay and jackhammer thrusting like a fool, let there be a method to your madness. Make those three minutes count! Just watch this video to better understand:
18. Baby wipes are a necessity. Look, if you took a dump on your floor, would you wipe it up with dry tissues or require some type of cleaning condensation to disinfect any excess residue? It’s your butt, people, at least treat it with as much care as you would your tile.
19. Take your nice threads to the tailor. The look of a suit or a nice pea coat can be ruined when it’s oversized and you resemble a child who ransacked his father’s closet.
20. If you already haven’t, it’s probably time to make that switch to boxer-briefs.