1. Post orgasm emotions feature a drastic shift in a man’s entire mood and mindset. I present to you, the inner monologue of a dude immediately before and directly after an orgasm:
Yeah that’s so sexy. Look at those *explicit slang term for body parts*. Oh yes, so hot, so nice. So turned on, sex thoughts forever…. (finishes)… I wonder what happened to my GameCube? It’s probably in my parents’ garage. I want a breakfast burrito. I should go buy a breakfast burrito and head to the parentals’ house to track down my GameCube. Good God, let me turn off this video, how was I even watching this mess?
2. As far as hand jobs go, it’s safe to say we’re good in that department. It’s really nice of you to try, but imagine a chef who has mastered the art of grilled cheese making. This chef prepares at least one grilled cheese every single day, sometimes two, sometimes five or even eight! So, he’s pretty damned good at making these bad boys, but one day you come along all high and mighty with your spatula in hand, and make a dry, rough, slightly painful grilled cheese sandwich. It’s a kind gesture, but I mean c’mon, you’re dealing with a guru of self-pleasure/grilled cheeses.
3. If you ask what’s wrong and we say “nothing,” we very well may mean it. There aren’t necessarily any emotions being suppressed or unspoken qualms, we can be completely silent and content simultaneously.
4. We aren’t immune to pain, physical or emotional. Back of the arm pinches aren’t an adorable way of interacting and should be banned from all horseplay because they are excruciating. As far as emotions go, by saying rude things during an argument you might sometimes hits home and make us feel all bummed inside.
5. Having balls is just as, if not more obnoxious than possessing boobs. They stick to our thighs, dangle uncomfortably in no man’s land and if ever accidentally sat on, cause a great deal of pain. Speaking of which…
6. Just how miserable it feels to get tapped, kicked, punched or have any contact to your testicles. Basically anything above a caressing, licking level doesn’t feel good. When they itch, we know how to pinch and twist like pros, but aside from that, they need not be bothered.
7. Having the unfortunate social norm that requires men to be the initiator of all things dating related can be stressful/unfair. In addition, if you knew just how much thought & effort we sometimes spend on approaching and courting you, you’d probably be freaked out. No joke, we even waste a lot of time specifically concocting plans that make it seem like we didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about you.
8. Occasionally a man may wonder what it feels like to be the little spoon. Don’t be selfish, everybody should serve their share of big spoon duties.
9. Sometimes our pee streams divide into two, and when they do it’s the sum of all messy, bathroom fears coming to fruition. It sucks because peeing is supposed to be fun. We zip ‘em down, whip it out and practice our marksmanship, aiming at any stains inside the toilet bowel as targets, but no, not when this unpredictable tragedy strikes.
10. We don’t even know what split ends look like, so you don’t have to worry about fixing them unless it’ll make you feel better. I’d be more likely to identify a little known galaxy in the sky before I could point out whatever a split end is.
11. We overthink things too. Society and Jenna Marbles might lead you to believe that man brains are like SEX, SPORTS, BEER, and it may be accurate sometimes, but somewhere in there are additional, deeper thoughts. The same thing goes for insecurities. Guys also sit there considering the possible underlying tones that, “What’s up?” text may have had.
12. Men have lackluster hygiene products. The deodorants, shampoos, lotions and other products are significantly better in smell and quality than ours are.
13. Sometimes the alcoholic beverages that are considered “girly” are exactly what a man’s heart desires, and he shouldn’t be ostracized or criticized for this. I know you want all the mojitos to yourself, but the trend that gives you the rights to delicious, colorful, fruity drinks while we muster up the courage to down whisky is flat out unfair.
14. If you play hard to get that’s one thing, but purposely trying to make us jealous by flirting with other guys or talking about your ex-boyfriend will NOT make you more appealing.
15. Often times men don’t actually think women are right about disagreements, but we succumb to arguments because vagina.