Choose Your Story: The Family Holiday Letter Edition

Shutterstock / daffodilred
Shutterstock / daffodilred

Ah yes, the Christmas letter. You know what I’m talking about. The letter that only the bravest of families dares to send. I think most of us harbor a secret desire to send such a letter. So I’m here for you. I am going to provide a template for those of you who need a little assistance. It’s a multiple choice format so it should cover almost every contingency.

a. Happy Hanukkah
b. Merry Christmas
c. ‘Sup

Greetings from (a. your hometown; b. Loserville; c. family rehab). We have had such a (a. challenging; b. rewarding; c. shitty) year. Everyone in our family is super (a. excited; b. morose; c. inebriated) for the holidays. We hope you are too!

The past year holds so many (a. wonderful; b. painful; c. haunting) memories. We had the (a. good; b. mis-; c. ruinous) fortune of having (a. my mother-in-law; b. our transgendered nephew; c. a homeless carnival worker) move in with us. It is a (a. blessed; b. Jerry Springer-esque; c. scarringly dysfunctional ) situation and we are (a. trying to make the best of it; b. having the locks changed this afternoon; c. doing internet searches for clever ways to dispose of human remains).

Dad is (a. having a great year; b. missing and presumed dead; c. dating his therapist). He is just as (a. driven; b. co-dependent; c. manic-depressive and arbitrary) as ever. As he likes to say every year at this time: (a. “God Bless Us- Everyone!” b. “Being stupid is its own reward” c. “If you think some fat ass in a red suit is gonna get credit for all of my hard work, think again!!”).

Mom is (a. Junior League President; b. practicing for an upcoming role on the reality TV show “Cougarville”; c. testing the chemical boundaries of Ambien mixed with chardonnay). She recently had to (a. serve on a committee at church to choose a new Pastor; b. punch the bitch at the dry cleaners for sporting an attitude; c. make restitution to the PTA for some accounting irregularities). It was truly (a. heartwarming; b. epic; c. You-Tube worthy) but in the end it should (a. work out for the best; b. blow up in our faces; c. lead to a lengthy prison sentence).

Our son is working (a. for a tech start-up; b. for the largest meth lab in Wise County; c. on his burp rendition of “Beethoven’s Sixth Symphony”). He and his co-workers (a. just launched a highly successful IPO; b. charred several hundred acres and burned down twelve mobile homes in a five alarm fire; c. hacked into the computers at Wal-Mart corporate headquarters and stole thousands of social security numbers). We are (a. waiting for him to buy us our dream home in Colorado; b. getting ready to send his “talents” to South Beach; c. so done with him).

Our daughter is (a. an honor student and cheerleader; b. a wiccan cult leader; c. a gluten-free vegan). She always (a. volunteers at the local food pantry; b. finds new places on her body to pierce; c. smells like fritos and dirty socks). We can’t wait for her to (a. enroll at Yale next year; b. STFU; c. buy some shampoo and a razor).

That’s all for this year! Be sure to (a. look us up if you’re in the neighborhood; b. keep on a-walkin’ if our Van’s a-rockin’; c. smoke ‘em if you’ve got ‘em).

The ____________ Family Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Tim Hoch is a lawyer, mistake repeater, embellisher of past accomplishments, forgetful husband, capricious father, double standard practitioner, weak ass raconteur. Read more of his work at his website.

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