20 Everyday Tragedies That Shatter Your Soul
1. Looking at the clock, seeing that it’s 11:12 and realizing you missed making a wish by one minute!
2. Completely mis-judging how much time you needed to reach optimal toasting levels for your Brown Sugar Pop Tart.
3. Settling for a burned marshmallow with your s’more, not a perfect golden brown, for no other reason that your own impatience.
4. Getting five favorites on a tweet, but not a single retweet. C’mon people, don’t you want me to be a star? How I can be loved but not popular?
5. Making too many eggs for breakfast in the morning. By the time you eat them again they will be a late lunch or even dinner and the concept of eating leftover eggs for a meal is just barbaric.
6. Forgetting your leftovers from that choice Mexican restaurant at the movie theater. Tragic because you had dreams of crowning yourself the Nacho King of late night snacks when you get home (note, I am the Nacho King).
7. When you favorite band releases their tour schedule and they’re playing everywhere but your city.
8. The look on your oldest and smartest friend face when you tell them that it is actually “for all intents and purposes” not “for all intensive purpose.”
9. Not hitting the jump on Koopa Troopa beach even though you had flower power. Beyond haunting.
10. Having to confess to your friends that you are in fact are the dude who has eaten more than his fair share of pizza slices from the pie. Further compounded by the fact that the slice/eater ratio was perfect.
11. Realizing that you are going to have to pronounce “gif” in a public setting and then hating yourself for weeks when you shy away from saying it and instead go with the scholarly “short form animation jpegs.”
12. Seeing your little baby cousin make best friends with your new blind golden retriever puppy and realizing you didn’t capture it on video, because that shit would have definitely gone viral.
13. The grim realization that maybe you’re processing your entire life through video and social media and maybe you should just enjoy your life.
14. Not telling someone how you really feel about them, and I will just leave that one out there to be extremely ambiguous.
15. Not seeing Bad Boys II more than five times in one year. Simple, Bad Boys II is the shit.
16. The moment when you look down at the report you had to prepare for work/school and you realize it’s almost all typed in text slang jargon. Who am I?
17. Bright red meatball on your flyest white outfit.
18. Overloading the laundry machine in your apartment complex and lying to both yourself and the landlord when you call and say “yeah I don’t know what happened, it just stopped working, I mean I put the quarters in and ummm…yeah…my clothes are soaked can you send someone over?”
19. Torching the roof of your mouth with New York Pizza because you’re too drunk to wait for the sweet delicious orgasm of pizza taste that you hope will awaken your drunken ass.
20. That you never did _________________________.