There were some positives, and I can’t help but acknowledge them because they happened and I fell for them. He was crazy about me in the beginning, I would receive text after text that it at one point was nauseating. I didn’t give him the time of day until I actually did.
We were supposed to have lunch one Saturday during a weekend that I hid on Central Park South. I spend the day downtown and did things I loved. Then one day I traveled to Harlem for the first time by myself. I was too tired to do the whole restaurant date thing so we just relaxed in his apartment. The first time we kissed was amazing. I showed him a picture of my dogs, and we talked about Marvel/DC comics. I really warmed up to him, and just like that he kissed me.
If we weren’t sitting on his bed, my foot would have popped just like in Princess Diaries. Whenever he kissed me, he would always smile at me then lightly laugh to himself. After we had sex that first night, I attached myself like a leech. I didn’t mean for any of that to happen. He was supposed to be just another one night stand, little did I know that he would be the focus of attention for the duration of winter. There was absolutely no walk of shame the next morning. He left before me but we conversed, had sex again and showered. Not having class was very beneficial because he allowed me to continue sleeping after he left for work. How is it that he trusted me in his apartment all alone?
Maybe it wasn’t trust, maybe he was just oblivious. Anyone who laid eyes on me dancing and bumping down CPW would have thought I won the lottery. And that is how it seemed to me as well. I thought I had finally found someone who had the potential to be something more than a hookup. That was naïve of me.
Then the negatives came rolling in like a lightning storm. The situation was getting cloudy but I didn’t mind, there were no chances of rain or deluge. I hold a high expectation once I invest myself into a person. All I ask for is for the person to hold the same level of infatuation towards me. However for some reason, when I actually pay attention to someone they flip a switch. The nauseating text messages have become barren and weakened. Drip, drip, drip; the rain began to drop.
The first time I was struck by lightning was New Year’s Eve. His roommate was having a party and yet he still found time to invite me over to have sex. I settled in, we kissed then he disappeared. I sat alone in that quiet room, partly naked for 15 minutes while he mingled with his friends. That moment of abandonment has recurred through my life so many times. My mother would come an hour after all the other athletes were picked up because I slipped her mind. My cousin once dragged me to her friend’s house; I sat there surrounded by people twice my age who had no interest in talking to an invisible girl in the corner. Heck, my hairdresser would leave me, hair full of deep conditioner, in the sink while she worked on other clients.
It hurts to feel like someone forgot about you. I feel like he forgot about me in this very moment. The first time he came back, I didn’t express how I felt. The second time he left me, I was fully naked, wrapped in his thin beige bed comforter. Feelings of resentment boiled inside of me and I couldn’t bare to take it any longer. I slipped on my skirt, that I wore especially for him, followed by my panties, bra and blouse. The blouse was half-way down my torso when he walked in. I should have left but I gave into his apology and my clothes were on the floor once more. I was supposed to sleepover later on that week but all I got was radio silence from him.
My flight for LAX departed on the 5th. I was so excited, however once I actually got there, all I could think about was him. Thoughts of us sharing a moment that I was supposed to be sharing with my friend raced through my mind. And somehow I sought the attention of other men to ease the pain. The day after my plane landed on the east coast, I saw him. And bam, the second strike of lightning. At that point I had established how beneficial this relationship was for him. The talk that was once filled with talk of superheroes and dogs was minimized to how my day was going. The kiss from his perfectly shaped lips meeting mine was reduced to a simple peck. And the eventful moan-provoking sex was only climatic for him. It was a never ending loop and I had to leave. So I put on my clothes and told him that I had to leave. There was no counter argument or rebuttal, he simply said “Okay”. That response stroked right through my heart.
Then there I was a crying cold mess on the streets on Harlem at one o’clock in the morning. The panic and anxiety flushed my mind and I couldn’t find it in myself to get on the train back to safety. I went back to his apartment, and apologized. What really strikes me is that after I explained the never ending loop of meaningless sex, he tried to have sex with me again. I’ve lost count of the red flags at this point. This time, I stood my ground and denied him that pleasure and went to sleep. After that night, he fell back into his usual pattern of not texting. That was the final straw, I eventually stopped trying at that point. My heart, my mind and my sanity did not deserve this heart break.
I had been seeing this new guy Daniel for about a month and it was great. For once I didn’t feel like a leech or an investor. I was actually having fun with this guy. Then on a Saturday afternoon, I heard the familiar bing that came from my phone. It was Christopher asking how I was. My sister was right there, she wasn’t as familiar with my history with Christopher as you are, but she knew he was bad news.
I could say that I should have listened to her when she told me not to respond, but I would have done it later anyway. I asked him for more of a relationship but he wouldn’t budge. If a guy says “I just don’t have time or commitment for a relationship right now”, please take a hint and drop him. We settled for a friends with benefit relationship, similar to the previous one we had. This type of friendship is neither friendly nor beneficial for both parties. A week later, he told me that he had a girlfriend. To my misunderstanding, I assumed that he just got out of a long distance relationship when we first met. I was wrong, I was the other woman. With regret in my heart, I resumed our friendship with this knowledge. At this point, I no longer deserve sympathy from you.
The days leading up to February 11th, I did my research on how to “not catch the feels for a guy”. I researched with diligence in order to spare my heart from another heartbreak. My lips were stained with a ruby lipstick just perfect for my skin tone, they cautioned against any attempt of a kiss. I didn’t even allow myself to sleepover. However, it was in between of our guilty acts of sex that I longed for him. It was the tension between each time I traveled up to Harlem that my feelings for him grew. Before he left for DC on the 15th of March, everything was fine. He expressed a deep longing to see me before his 3 day trip. Missing class to see a guy might have been acceptable last semester but I promised myself to stay focused. That was my last opportunity to see him before he went missing in action. I called and called, no reply or response. I called for the final time, and expressed my concern for his absence. If I had a dollar for every time that he replied with, “my notifications must have been off”, I would be rich. I was done at that point, and that was the last time I heard his voice. I cried for the majority of my spring break and it wasn’t helpful that my friends were avoiding me.
It wasn’t until I propped myself up from the floor and wiped away my tears that I realized this was all of my fault. I was the foolish idiot who decided to get involved with a taken man. The only way to make this right was to tell his girlfriend about me. To my surprise, she didn’t believe me. She actually blocked me on Instagram. However I hope that one day she realizes that I was right. I hope she realizes that he is a cheating bastard who was manipulating her.
* * *
I don’t expect you to somehow forgive me or feel sorry for me. I am doing that for my own sake. There are days when I miss him and there are days that I feel free from heart break. I assume that my karma is that I’m not getting what I want. There is no going back, he will never choose me over her. He never thinks of me, however I am plagued with the thought and memories of him. Those warm embraces and tender moments are gone forever. Soon they will fade from my memory and Christopher Colon will just be a mistake I made in college.
People say to never regret anything you do because in that moment it was everything you wanted. Christopher was everything I wanted but I was everything he didn’t deserve. The same could be said of his girlfriend. As I go forward, I am going to focus on living my life. Yes there will be more mistakes but they will be my mistakes to make.