It’s one of the most popular phrases of the modern world: “The quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone else.”
This may seem like the way to go, but what happens when you get under that person and the person you truly want is still on your mind? What happens when even after you’re over that person and you and this new partner have a great relationship, it starts to suffer because of unhandled issues from past relationships?
“The quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone else” works only for the initial rebound. When that rebound is over, what are you left with?
Healing is a necessary process whether the relationship lasted three months or three years. Without proper healing, you face the risk of these possible consequences:
1. You bring baggage from your past relationship to your new one.
Whether it be cheating, lack of communication, inconsistency, or you two just didn’t work out, there will be baggage that needs to be dealt with. Bringing in trust issues or assuming the new relationship will also fail can cause you to miss out on someone great. Basing your behavior on what you think or fear may happen can cause you to be guarded throughout the entire relationship. Assuming that your new partner is cheating like your last one can cause you to have someone on the sidelines just in case. In return, all of these things will lead to the destruction of your new relationship.
2. You lose yourself.
When my last relationship ended, I didn’t know who I was without this person. They were my best friend, and somewhere in our eight month relationship, we became one. We went everywhere together, we began acting like the same person, and our friends became each other’s friends. What we didn’t realize is that both of us were latching on to each other so tightly because we were afraid to lose each other. Both of our relationships before each other were toxic and ended on terrible terms. However, we began talking on a more romantic level towards the end of both of our relationships, so when they ended, we jumped right in. We didn’t take time to heal, to figure out who we were outside of a relationship, or to get to know each other better. Losing ourselves was definitely a factor in losing each other.
3. You end up hurting someone else.
“Misery loves company” and “hurt people hurt people” are sad but true statements. Whether conscious or subconscious, at times we have all had moments where we want people to feel how we feel. Between my most recent ex and the ex I talked about before, I had about a month-long fling with someone else. Even though he ended the fling, had the relationship developed any further, I’m almost 100% sure that it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. Take it from me, if you have just gotten out of a relationship, nine times out of 10 you are not ready for a new one. If you are on the rebound, your main goal may be to make your ex jealous. While this may seem like the way to go, there is now another person’s feelings to consider. Whether it be just sex or sex that blossoms into a new relationship, the basis of whatever interaction you have with this new person will be a lie. You will be trying to make your ex jealous, but also using someone else to stroke your ego. You will see them as a healer, and when you don’t feel fulfilled by them, you will either fake it till you make it or throw them to the side. Either way, you end up hurting another person because of your hurt.
As I come to a close, I know what you may be thinking. “The quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone else” implies sex, right? I don’t necessarily have to be in a relationship with this person, right? Wrong. Sex is cool, but after a breakup, you are in your most fragile state. It isn’t uncommon for someone to mistake lust for a new found love. You wanted a fling or a one night stand, but instead you end up in a relationship that has a 50% chance of turning out the same way your last relationship turned out. All this form of “moving on” does is make you feel good for a moment then complicate things even further.
Go. Through. The. Healing. Process. The keyword here is process. Happiness and newfound love is not going to happen overnight. There will be days where you miss your ex so much that you will want to call them and beg to work things out. There will be times when you get lonely and will want to look to an old or new flame for a temporary moment of satisfaction. But that’s just what it is. Temporary. Instead of focusing on what’s temporary, feed yourself — your mind, your spirit, and your energy.