40. It’s important to have bonds, I think. I’m not emotionally close with my parents and in fact they were sort of abusive. But, when I was young I had my grandmother. She loved me so much, guys. And she lost a kid to suicide when he was 20. I couldn’t hurt her again like that.
Shortly after I got married, she got really sick really fast. She’s barely functional and variously “there” or not these days. I used to pray that she would live, well, long enough for me to meet someone else to stay alive for. Apparently, God took that literally.
But these days, I’m happier than I have any right to be based on my circumstances. My wife is healthier, physically and mentally, now, so we can have a real partnership after a lot of problems out of our control. I have pet cats and rescue more by fostering. When the financial problems get awful, I definitely feel anxious, but I know I have to stay.
We both have to play our part in keeping our heads above water. If my wife lost me, she would have to return to her hometown. Since her parents lost their house and moved in with family, that means that she would probably have to live with or at least see often, a relative who seriously abused her for years. I won’t do that to her.
I also try to plan and give myself some treats, however small. A dead person can’t eat their carefully packed lunch or go to the movies or a friend’s party. Can’t hit their Fitbit goals, pet a cat, have sex, or try new things. I spent time in Germany when I was young and really liked Quark . I bought some and will try it for tomorrow’s breakfast, to see if it’s still awesome like I remember and if the Americans can make it up to scratch. If I died tonight I would never know.