17. Being spontaneous. If someone wants to make plans with me they have to ask at least the day before. I need a certain amount of time to recharge my batteries and mentally prepare to do something, especially if it involves traveling or being around people. It’s exhausting, and I wish I could suddenly decide to do something exciting, but I can’t. The very thought makes me want to curl into a ball and hide away forever. And those feelings never stop. Always wanted a life of travel and adventures when I was younger, and now I’m afraid that will never happen. It’s like being trapped inside your own fear, and friends and family who don’t get this starts to think you don’t like them or that you’re boring and lazy. I’ve lost a lot of friends because of fear. Hope this will pass someday.
18. Leaving the house to do anything. “Did I leave the stove on? Wait, I never even turned on the stove today. But what if I did turn it on accidentally? What if I left the space heater on? What if the pets are out of water? I wont be able to refill their bowls until I got back. Did I grab my wallet? My keys? My phone? I double checked already, but maybe I should check again, just in case.” etcetcetc. I have to force shove these thoughts out of my head. I will think stuff like this on repeat, even if Im just going for a five minute walk.