7. The mother who inspected her son’s bowel movements.
“I went to this guy’s house once after school. I wasn’t friends with him, but we were assigned to a project together. We’ll call him Gary. Anyways, we were working on this project when he excused himself to use the restroom. 15 minutes later he returned. A little while later, I decided to use the restroom while he was making snacks.
I walked into the bathroom and behold! Before my eyes, floating like a manatee through the brown estuaries of Florida, was the result of Gary’s earlier bathroom excursion. I shrugged it off—I mean, we all forget at least once, right?—flushed for him, took a leak, flushed again, and went to work on the project.
Gary’s mom gets home from work a couple hours later. She nods to us and says hello politely before heading towards the back of the house. A few seconds later she returns to the kitchen where we were working and screams, ‘WHERE IS IT?’ I jump and am confused, so I shoot a ‘WTF?’ look to Gary. Gary muttered, ‘It wasn’t me, it was him.’ His mom glared at me, huffed, and walked out.
Gary later explained that every day after school he would take a dump and was required to leave it in the toilet so his mom could check it. He wasn’t even sick or anything—she just wanted to check it to make sure he was healthy or something.
I never went back to Gary’s house.
We were 16/17 at the time. I failed to realize this makes it all the weirder.
I don’t know if Gary had German ancestry, but as far as I could tell, his parents were typical Midwestern parents, apart from the shit inspecting.”