32. Sometimes they scream angry hateful things telling me to kill myself or others around me.
“Most of my hallucinations are visual. I see men who watch me from a distance. Sometimes if I look away they get closer. I can never look at their faces because they look like a smeared oil painting if I try to focus on them. Sometimes they scream angry hateful things telling me to kill myself or others around me. No matter where I am there is always at least one around. It can be berry terrifying especially when it’s dark and silent and I can hear one walking closer to me. I haven’t seen a doctor because I fear they wouldn’t believe me. I’m not at all expressive in my face or voice so people regard me as very quiet and emotionless.”
33. Sometimes they say things that don’t make sense. I write some of them down. One example is ‘he cannot these cortexes find.’
“So I actually have schizoaffective disorder, which is schizophrenia plus a mood disorder, which for me is depression. Anyway I’m a bit of a weird case. I have auditory, visual, and tactile hallucinations, and my auditory hallucinations can originate from either outside of me or within my own mind (like your thinking voice, but not the one you actually think in—if that makes sense). My auditory hallucinations are also weird because they aren’t all voices. I hear a lot of random sounds. The first thing I heard was one strum on a guitar in my bedroom when no one else was home and my guitar was zipped up in its case. I’ve also heard snickers, footsteps, horses walking on the road outside my house…really random things. These are all things I hear coming from outside of me.
The things I hear inside my head, no psychiatrist has ever really been able to explain, and I’ve been through a few. Basically I hear other people’s voices inside my head. Men, women, teens, children, gruff old men. Sometimes they say things that don’t make sense. I write some of them down. One example is ‘he cannot these cortexes find.’ Other things do make sense, but I can’t make sense of why I’m hearing them. It’s like I’m hearing snippets of other people’s conversations out of context. And they’re really dumb. I heard a teen girl talking about being picked up to hang out with friends, things like that. Sometimes I’m not sure if they’re talking to me or someone else, like one gruff gentleman who said something to the effect of ‘honey, go get my gun.’ These voices come in packs and usually when I’m trying to focus on homework or trying to fall asleep or something.
New as of my last episode in the fall is music. I hear distant music that is just faint enough that I can figure out a genre but not recognize an artist or song title. It’s actually really annoying because I want to be able to place it but I can’t. One time African drums were keeping me awake.
…that’s the gist of mine.”